Dream time!

Last night I had a strange dream.   Every time I thought about writing it down today, the thought escaped me and I forgot again. So I’m writing now while I can. Lol

Okay, it starred me and Damon Wayans.  This guy > http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001834/    I was in jeans and t-shirt.  Damon was dressed oddly.   He had skin tight purple leggings with a paisley top that hung off of one shoulder and he had a red bandana on his head and he wore big loop earrings. O.o  lmao  Anyways, We were in this huge building. It wasn’t a house. I think it was underground.  We were in a very long hallway and I couldn’t see either end of it.  Along the hallway were tons of doors.  I wanted to just walk down the hallway and find the end of it. Damon thought the way out was behind a door.  So he was opening each door.  He had a funny talk too.

“Let’s see what’s behind this one.”  He opens door and screams like a girl, and slams it shut. “Okay, not this one.  Let’s go to the next one.”

It would go on and on like that.  He wasn’t finding anything good behind the doors but I was laughing too much to be scared.

We were on like the 12th door when I woke up.  

Cleaning when you hurt

I have rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis and maybe even a touch of psoriatic arthritis.   What does that mean?  It means, I'm fatigued (imagine not sleeping for 72 hours.  that's how I feel all the time).  I have no energy at all.  and I'm in pain. A lot of pain most of the day.    I'm on medications but so far, they aren't helping.   So I resort to ibuprofen which isn't exactly good for you.  

Anyways, being in so much pain and so fatigued means my apartment is a mess.   Just standing and doing dishes for 10 minutes hurts like hell.    I just spent the last 10 minutes picking up small items off the floor or table and either throwing them away or putting them away.  The cost of that 10 minutes?  My back is screaming at me, my knees are cursing at me and body is craving caffeine to be injected through an IV.  

I have groceries to be put away (thank God there's grocery delivery).  I have to dust some more.  and I have a ton of shit to throw out. And that's just day to day stuff.  I also need to declutter my apartment to make it easier to clean and put things away.  My dinning room table collects the mail and other papers so I need to go through that. I have empty boxes to throw out. I have to vacuum and let's not even look at the kitchen floor. Plus, I really need to go through my clothes and get rid of a ton of stuff I don't wear.

The problem is the pain.  I have referrals in to see the orthopedic clinic and even a spine pain clinic.   so eventually, I hope to get help for the pain.  Until then, I need to come up with a plan of attack for the apartment.  I need to work in 5 to 10 minute breaks or learn to do stuff while sitting on my wheeled walker that has a built in seat. I also need to pick up a reacher grabber thingy.    I tried looking online for tips for cleaning while disabled but didn't find what I needed.

so Here's my plan:  

• clean 5 to 10 minutes.  Rest until pain lets up (probably a half hour or more).   then clean for another 5 to 10 minutes.   
• Don't make repeat trips.  Condense the trips.   Throw away stuff while you are on the way to put things away.  
• Also, maybe don't leave an area until you've done all you can do in that area. 
• Carry around a plastic grocery bag to put trash in, instead of walking back to the kitchen to throw stuff away. 
• Save bigger tasks for good days.  I can't vacuum today.  back hurts too much.  Don't try to vacuum the whole apartment at once either. 
• Sit as much as I can.   If something can be done while sitting, drag a chair over and do it.  

yea, that's my plan so far of just what I thought of in the past 20 minutes.    Moral of all this...  Pain sucks.  I may not look like I'm in pain (I hide it well.) but I'm miserable.   and yet, I still have to clean.  ugh..

Random Thoughts

Humans have come a long way since we first walked the earth.  We have cars, a roof over our heads that protect us from nature.   We have food and water readily available.  We don’t have to hunt for our food but some still do.  City folks don’t have to grow their own food because others will do that for them.  We have grocery stores to buy our food.   We have technology to talk to people around the world.  We can fly anywhere in the world and see far off places.   

Yes, we’ve come a long way.  BUT… and this is a big but.   We still have crime.  We still have violence.  We still have greed.  We still have hate.  We still have war.  Why?    Because humans will never change.  Yes, we walk upright, we wear fancy clothes, type on computers, keep our eyes glued to our smart phones before we drive somewhere in a fancy car.  Our technology has changed from the hammer and chisel or stone wheels or whatever.  But humans are the same from any time period.  

I’ve heard somewhere that when you are reincarnated, you have been sent back because you didn’t learn some lesson in your previous life.  If that’s true, it’s no wonder humans haven’t changed. Are we living the same lives over and over again, doomed to fail because we’ll never learn the lesson?  Will we never have peace when a person who fought a war in medieval times has been reincarnated and craves war again?  

We need new souls. They are few and far between.  We also need to learn our lesson.   War accomplishes nothing.  Violence accomplishes nothing.   People fight for what they believe in and those who don’t share the same beliefs are doomed. 
     
If reincarnation exists, then there will never be peace on earth because everybody will keep repeating the mistakes of the past.   

Reader check and book update

Is anybody reading my blog?  If so, please comment, just to let me know that you've been here.

Also, for the readers, Since I've been laid off, I've been thinking of my books a lot.  I think I may attempt to publish this year.  I just need to tally the costs and see if I can swing it in my budget.  Unless somebody wants to donate using the go fund me site to the right or click this link (https://www.gofundme.com/publishmeplease)  I may not be able to budget publishing a book.  

However, I read through my old synopsis of my first choice of books to be published and I'm not sure I like it.  I think I need to rewrite it.  What do you folks think?  


The Perfect Time

When an infection hospitalizes Sarah, she begins speaking a strange language.   Sally, her best friend, records what she said and gets it translated with shocking results.   Once Sarah is released from the hospital, her friend tells her about the episodes of her speaking in tongues.   She learns she’s lived before in sixteenth century Scotland and was married to an abusive Laird.  Her 16th century version has secrets that may cause harm to her and the blacksmith known as Tanner.  Little did she know that the choice made in the sixteenth century would have repercussions today.

Genres:  Historical Romance, Past Lives, Romantic Comedy

Stress

 I was laid off of work for the first time ever. My last day was February 29th.  I've been panicky, depressed, angry, and stressed.  Stress is not good for my rheumatoid arthritis.  So yes, I was in pain too.  Probably more so than usual.  

When you are in pain every day, you learn to brush it off or hide it so others don't realize you're hurting.  I hide it very well and even manage to fool myself into thinking it's not that bad.  I didn't realize how much I fooled myself until I started to focusing on the symptoms.  

On Monday the 7th, I started a log .   It's just an excel spreadsheet where I list basic activities, pain level, where it hurts, etc.  

I only have four days worth of stuff and already it's made me think.  When you have to rate your pain level, it makes you ask yourself, why didn't I say anything sooner?  or Why didn't I get help?   Because I've learned to hide the pain, the fatigue, and all the other crap on a day to day basis.  With work, I always had something to distract me from how crappy I felt. Since I'm not working, well... no distractions and a lot of thinking.  Self realization.  

The thought of finding another job is scary.  it's terrifying to me.  I haven't had a job interview in nearly 18 years. I'm sure that it's normal to be scared and intimidated over the thought of looking for another job, getting those interviews. 

But I realized something else.   What is making me panic and stress is the thought of having to walk in a huge office.  How many steps to the bathroom?  What's the shortest route to the bathroom?  Would I be allowed to take frequent breaks?  Because I can't stay seated behind a desk for more than hour or my legs hurt and get stiff.  If I can't take frequent breaks, would my future boss think it's okay to wander around my cube or just to stand for a few minutes.  Speaking of standing, I can't stand longer than a half hour or my poor feet hurt worse. 

so yea, I have those thoughts going on.   The symptom log I started has made me realize that I shouldn't be hiding what Rheumatoid Arthritis is doing to me.  I haven't seen a rheumatologist in years and that's biting me in the ass now.  Why haven't I seen a RA doc?  Because I have had horrible luck with them and the medications they put you on are insane.   I know I have to find an RA Doc once my health insurance is figured out but I just hope he's going to listen to me. 

I won't go into my reason about why I don't like the medications or my history with RA docs. You can see my post from last year by clicking here.  So now, I need to find a rheumatologist who will listen to me and help me and that might take a while. 

Wish me luck!

Dream time!

Last night, I dreamed that I was at a grocery store in the checkout.  It was my turn and the cashier sort of looked like Angela Bassett.  I struck up a conversation with her and she had a New Orleans accent.  I told her I had been laid off so jokingly asked if she could give me any deals.    She said she’d see what she could do.   She then talked about herself. she said she married James Garner last year but nobody believed her because he died in 2014.  I told her it did seem pretty unbelievable.   

She leaned closer to me and said “Ah, but I’ll let you in on a secret, cher.  I brought him back to life.  I ask the spirits to bring him back to me and they listened.   I will ask the spirits to help you too.” 

The whole time, a customer behind me is snorting and laughing and not hiding the fact that he thinks the cashier is fruity.  I’m thinking, but James Garner died in 2014. She’s not really married to him.  Maybe she’s an obsessed fan who can’t deal with his death.  Then I suddenly hear her say.  “Ah, yes. here he comes now.”  

I look up and here comes James freaking Garner walking up to her with a huge smile on his face.  He looks younger, maybe in his 50s.  I’m stunned as he walks right up to her and kisses her.   He looks at me and I just say “uh... Hi James.”  

“Hi yourself.  I see she’s been talking about me again.”    

“Yea. she has.”  

The cashier is smiling huge because she’s looking around and all her coworkers have basically stopped doing anything and are staring at James Garner.   I lean back in to her and say  “So, do you think the spirits really could help me?”

And then I woke up.  

Dream time: The Dollhouse Mysteries

Last night, I had a fun dream.  I was in a room with a lot of other people. It was like a classroom and we all had large desks in front of us.  We were given assignments to find another way to do what you loved.  If you loved painting, you had to use another medium like chalk or pencil.  If you loved making things out of clay, you had to try using wood.  Me?  Since I loved to write, I had to find another way to get my story across and not use something simple like a video camera.

I chose to use a doll house.   Yup, it was a huge doll house with three floors, and six rooms on each floor.  The house opened up down the middle so you could see three rooms on each side of the floor split.    So I sat there with the doll house in front of me and thought of what story to use.  Like my writing, I didn't have anything planned out.  I just decided to start with a room and go from there.  I started with the attic and added boxes and trunks and ghosts.  Let me say that i somehow had everything in miniature in front of me. Everything I needed was there. Well, except for the ghosts.  for those, I took miniature dress mannequins and wrapped tissue paper around them.  lol

Attic was done. Moved on to the next room.  There, I started adding a bedroom set made of some light colored wood.  Everything was pristine and beautiful except there was a red liquid spilled on the bed.   The next room was a bathroom with the usual features.  I added a naked doll so that he was taking a shower.    The third room was another bedroom with blues of various shades.  All normal except for the two kids, a girl and a boy, huddled and shivering in a corner.  

On and on the rooms went, each with their scenes.  The dream fast forwards a bit and I'm working on the final room. The living room.  It was a Christmas scene. A decorated christmas tree next to a couch.  Stockings, and garland decorating the fireplace. Christmas lights were lined up along the archway that led to the dining room.  In the corner, behind the couch, a man was hanging from the ceiling. O.o  Yup. A man hung from a noose and slightly swayed.

The instructor came over to see what I had done and I was just putting up the finishing touch of a skeleton on a rocking chair on the porch.   I smiled brightly at the instructor who had a look of horror on his face as he examined all the rooms.   I was proud of my work and couldn't wait to get his opinion.   unfortunately, I woke up just as he looked at me and started to back away from me. lmao

Help me!

I have had  go fund me page active for a month and no donations yet.  I'm hoping i can keep it active. If not, I'll just keep creating a new one.   so here ya go.   Click on the link below to help me out!

https://www.gofundme.com/publishmeplease

Truthful Ramblings

We've all seen quotes about how the truth will set you free or the truth will prevail.  Those sort of quotes.   Personally, I don't believe it.  What one person sees as truth, another person will see as a lie. 

Opinions are freely given these days.  Unfortunately, I feel like some people believe their opinion is the truth of the matter.   Opinions interfere with everything.  

If two people witness the same event, their descriptions will come up differently.  And each person will believe they are telling the truth and the other person is wrong.  

People see things differently.  And because of this, the meaning of the word truth is messed up. That will not change.  

People often wish for world peace.   But I don't see this being possible because of what I said before.   Two sides of a war. Each side believing they are telling the truth of a matter and the other lies.  Who is right?  Who is wrong?   What one person sees as truth, another person will see as a lie. There is no truth in this instance.  Because of this, there can be no world peace.   

Are you honestly going to tell me that you would shake hands with your greatest enemy and say, "No more battles.  Ever."  and tell me it's the truth?  It won't happen.   As long as human beings have free will, free thought, there will be no world peace.  There will be no truth.  



"You can be standing right in front of the truth and not necessarily see it, and people only get it when they're ready to get it."  ~GEORGE HARRISON