Youcaring: Donate please! Fundraiser help

I don't know if I still get any readers but I'm putting this here anyway. Please help and share!

Urgent!! I need a lot of money but donate what you can! Help Katie with Disability Expenses #crowdfunding #YouCaring #arthritis #RASucks #Help #fundraising
https://t.co/Yg8YIS6c0M via @youcaring

— Katie DesChenes (@KDinColorado) November 14, 2017

Cleaning when you hurt

I have rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis and maybe even a touch of psoriatic arthritis.   What does that mean?  It means, I'm fatigued (imagine not sleeping for 72 hours.  that's how I feel all the time).  I have no energy at all.  and I'm in pain. A lot of pain most of the day.    I'm on medications but so far, they aren't helping.   So I resort to ibuprofen which isn't exactly good for you.  

Anyways, being in so much pain and so fatigued means my apartment is a mess.   Just standing and doing dishes for 10 minutes hurts like hell.    I just spent the last 10 minutes picking up small items off the floor or table and either throwing them away or putting them away.  The cost of that 10 minutes?  My back is screaming at me, my knees are cursing at me and body is craving caffeine to be injected through an IV.  

I have groceries to be put away (thank God there's grocery delivery).  I have to dust some more.  and I have a ton of shit to throw out. And that's just day to day stuff.  I also need to declutter my apartment to make it easier to clean and put things away.  My dinning room table collects the mail and other papers so I need to go through that. I have empty boxes to throw out. I have to vacuum and let's not even look at the kitchen floor. Plus, I really need to go through my clothes and get rid of a ton of stuff I don't wear.

The problem is the pain.  I have referrals in to see the orthopedic clinic and even a spine pain clinic.   so eventually, I hope to get help for the pain.  Until then, I need to come up with a plan of attack for the apartment.  I need to work in 5 to 10 minute breaks or learn to do stuff while sitting on my wheeled walker that has a built in seat. I also need to pick up a reacher grabber thingy.    I tried looking online for tips for cleaning while disabled but didn't find what I needed.

so Here's my plan:  

• clean 5 to 10 minutes.  Rest until pain lets up (probably a half hour or more).   then clean for another 5 to 10 minutes.   
• Don't make repeat trips.  Condense the trips.   Throw away stuff while you are on the way to put things away.  
• Also, maybe don't leave an area until you've done all you can do in that area. 
• Carry around a plastic grocery bag to put trash in, instead of walking back to the kitchen to throw stuff away. 
• Save bigger tasks for good days.  I can't vacuum today.  back hurts too much.  Don't try to vacuum the whole apartment at once either. 
• Sit as much as I can.   If something can be done while sitting, drag a chair over and do it.  

yea, that's my plan so far of just what I thought of in the past 20 minutes.    Moral of all this...  Pain sucks.  I may not look like I'm in pain (I hide it well.) but I'm miserable.   and yet, I still have to clean.  ugh..

Stress

 I was laid off of work for the first time ever. My last day was February 29th.  I've been panicky, depressed, angry, and stressed.  Stress is not good for my rheumatoid arthritis.  So yes, I was in pain too.  Probably more so than usual.  

When you are in pain every day, you learn to brush it off or hide it so others don't realize you're hurting.  I hide it very well and even manage to fool myself into thinking it's not that bad.  I didn't realize how much I fooled myself until I started to focusing on the symptoms.  

On Monday the 7th, I started a log .   It's just an excel spreadsheet where I list basic activities, pain level, where it hurts, etc.  

I only have four days worth of stuff and already it's made me think.  When you have to rate your pain level, it makes you ask yourself, why didn't I say anything sooner?  or Why didn't I get help?   Because I've learned to hide the pain, the fatigue, and all the other crap on a day to day basis.  With work, I always had something to distract me from how crappy I felt. Since I'm not working, well... no distractions and a lot of thinking.  Self realization.  

The thought of finding another job is scary.  it's terrifying to me.  I haven't had a job interview in nearly 18 years. I'm sure that it's normal to be scared and intimidated over the thought of looking for another job, getting those interviews. 

But I realized something else.   What is making me panic and stress is the thought of having to walk in a huge office.  How many steps to the bathroom?  What's the shortest route to the bathroom?  Would I be allowed to take frequent breaks?  Because I can't stay seated behind a desk for more than hour or my legs hurt and get stiff.  If I can't take frequent breaks, would my future boss think it's okay to wander around my cube or just to stand for a few minutes.  Speaking of standing, I can't stand longer than a half hour or my poor feet hurt worse. 

so yea, I have those thoughts going on.   The symptom log I started has made me realize that I shouldn't be hiding what Rheumatoid Arthritis is doing to me.  I haven't seen a rheumatologist in years and that's biting me in the ass now.  Why haven't I seen a RA doc?  Because I have had horrible luck with them and the medications they put you on are insane.   I know I have to find an RA Doc once my health insurance is figured out but I just hope he's going to listen to me. 

I won't go into my reason about why I don't like the medications or my history with RA docs. You can see my post from last year by clicking here.  So now, I need to find a rheumatologist who will listen to me and help me and that might take a while. 

Wish me luck!

A plea...

I've seen a lot of good things happen because of Gofundme webpage.  I've seen miracles happen because of it.   I've also seen some greedy people post crap on the page.  

But let me tell you that this one isn't crap. It's not some fake thing with some person only looking for money because they're greedy.  This one is different.  This is my uncle. 

He has had health issues for many years and hasn't work in a long time because of it.   Now, he needs help more than ever.  I ask everybody who reads this to please donate to my uncle.   He needs help.   Spread the word. Get more eyes on it.  Help him.  Please.


http://www.gofundme.com/meybzc

Ramblings about Health

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and hypothyroidism.    Both cause fatigue and aches and pains and I usually don't know which disease is causing what.   I've had Rheumatoid Arthritis for about 17 or 18 years now.   You know what I hate the most about R.A?   Surprisingly, it's not the pain.  It's the lack of energy and the fatigue that makes you feel like you could drop right where you're standing.   I've been told I have a high tolerance for pain and I guess with this disease, I'd have to.  I have days where I can barely walk because the pain is so bad.  I couldn't imagine if somebody without that high tolerance spent one day in my shoes.  

I work full time.  I have canes everywhere. One in my car, one at my desk at work, and more at home. Problem is that the cane rarely helps.   On the days when I need the cane most, I'm usually having an issue with my fingers, my hands or my wrists.  Hell, even my elbows too.  And that makes it hard to hold and use a cane.   

Now for the complaints...  If you go to a rheumatologist, first thing they'll do is tell you you're too fat and you need to lose weight.  Then they'll give you prednisone which is a steroid and makes you eat constantly and gain weight.  Where's the logic in that?     Then they'll give you medicines that lower your immune system so that's almost non-existent.   Now, if I wasn't around people all the time, I might be okay with that.  But I work in an office where people come in sick all the time. Hell, a few years ago, somebody had a cold or some respiratory funk but when it got to me, it turned in viral meningitis because of how screwed up my immune system is.  And doctors want me to lower my immune system voluntarily so I am at greater risk of getting sick and catching every germ work people have?   Yea, that's not happening.   Also, it has been my experience that these doctors won't give you pain medication because they want the arthritis drugs to do their thing.  so you end up in pain anyway.  

So in my opinion, rheumatologists suck.  They don't know what they're doing.  I've had them tell me "If you lose all that weight, you'll feel better."  Bullshit. I've lost the weight before. I got down to 170 something.  I was still in pain daily.    Which is I haven't seen a rheumatologist in years.   They give you drugs to make you fat, to get rid of your immune system and they insult you.  So yea, I have a problem with them.  

Now, I have a physical on Monday and I haven't had one in years because my previous doctor let me lapse on them. I was seeing her constantly for the thyroid issues before.  But this doc won't let me get by it.  I'm prepping for what she'll say.   She'll say I'm fat and I need to lose weight. I'll tell her about the R.A. and fatigue and no energy and pain, she'll give me a list of rheumatologists so I can go see one.   She'll probably put me on blood pressure medicine because I know my blood pressure will sky rocket just from being there.  

I digress....  the point of this post was that I'm tired of this disease.  if I get treated, I'll be put on drugs I don't agree with.  If I don't get it treated, I continue on as I am and potentially hear my doctor complain to me. 

The scientists and doctors need to come up with a different way to treat auto-immune diseases.  Stopping and/or lowering your immune system is not helpful in my opinion.   if I took the drugs they want me to, sure, my R.A.  might be better but then I'll be open to every germ, every cold, every type of flu, have the possibility to get meningitis again.  And that's not going to happen.  Meningitis terrified me.  It wasn't life threatening or anything.  It made me lose my mind.  and I won't go through that again.  so I deal with the pain of R.A. 

so yes, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  but I also work full time and I also have written like 7 or 8 books and countless poems, not to mention the countless books in progress (none of it published).  And I have this blog which I don't keep active as much I'd like.  so if I have any readers out there who wonder why I don't post often enough, now you know why. 

If you've read this far, well, I'm sorry this sort of turned into a bitch fest.  I just wanted to explain things and get thoughts written down..

Hi guys!

It's been a long week. who knew that being home from work would be so stressful and busy. lol Short version, I'll be home another week but I'm hoping to go back on August 8th. But time will tell.

since I am home from work for a bit longer, I decided to try to get back into writing after the two week or so break from my book and due to life events. so tonight I wrote 2 and half pages in my ghost book and I do think the book is nearing an end but I still haven't quite decided how I want to end it. i can't go into details yet because that would give it away.

I think I will just let the characters "tell" me how it should end. I already have an idea but not sure if I want to follow through with it. Guess we'll all just have to wait and see. Out of the three books I have written, i think this one is my favorite so far. of course, i liked the last one too. so maybe my next book will be my favorite. lol I'm hopeless.

Just wanted to let any readers know that I am here, I am still writing and always will be. As for dreams, lately, I haven't remembered much of my dreams. All I remember from last night is drinking a regular Coke and enjoying every minute of it. which is odd since I don't like regualr coke. lol oh well, maybe as I continue to get better, I'll dream more and remember them. when I do remember, you know I will post them here.

Until then, ta ta!

Hi folks! I had an adventure

Sorry for not writing here this week. I had an adventure. This is a long post so pull up a chair.

I guess it started last thursday with stomach pain. The pain grew and grew until I was sick early sunday morning. I wasn't eating, not drinking enough, and in a lot of pain. By sunday night, I told my boss that I was going to try and get into see my doctor monday or go to the ER. I lucked out and got an appointment with a doc 9:30 on monday. She examined me and suggested Diverticulitis and sent me to get blood work and a cat scan right after my apointment. After the Cat scan, I was to wait there while the docs went over the results. The good news was that it wasn't diverticulitis. The bad news was that I had pancreatitis and it was bad. I went from the cat scan building, walked to the main hospital right to admission. Yup, I was admitted to the hospital.

I had more blood work done, was given Morphine Dilauded (medicine from God, I swear!) and made comfy in a bed. now time seems to get messed up a bit, so not sure which day exactly. lol I think monday Night, I had an xray of abdomen. Oh, I was really dehydrated too so finding a vein for the I.V. was fun. Tuesday, I had a type of MRI done. The mri showed that I had gall stones and the gall bladder needed to come out.

Surgery was scheduled for Wednesday at 3 and the nurses, surgeon assistant, anithesiologist and his assistant were all great in comforting me. They made me laugh a lot. I went into my first surgery ever. I remember scooting over onto the gurney and getting my arms strapped on the things. I remember them putting an oxygen mask on me and the anethesiologist (geez, i can't spell that word) told me to enjoy the trip. lol that was the last thing I remember.

After the surgery, I tried to talk, found I could only whisper no matter how hard I tried. My first word after surgery was parents. they didn't understand me so I croaked out Mom and Dad. found out they were waiting for me in my new post op room. Breathing really sucked right out of surgery, I panicked a little but as i breathed more, I relaxed. It was a bit scary for me. I had laproscopic surgery on my belly. they removed the gall bladder and said it looked like it was messed up for a while now. so yea, time to get rid of it.

I was discharged today and now I'm home, and after this post, I'll relax. My belly looks like it went through a war. I have bruises everywhere. Including where they put needles in my belly for medicine to stop blood clots.

Now a lot people immediately think that diet is why gall bladder goes bad. However, I asked the surgeon if gall bladder issues are inherited and he said yes. Mom had her gall bladder out. Her grandmother had her gall bladder removed. It's family history. The doc also said I can go back to whatever I was eating before. not that a lot people will care about that.

I did go to the store today about sandwich stuff and actually bought a salad kit. I did eat a fruit cup earlier. I think they were oranges. now I'm going to find something to eat that doesn't require a lot of effort. Then, I'm going to veg out in my recliner and relax. Maybe I'll read up on recommended diets for gall bladder removal stuff.

This was only my second hospital stay in my life and it was my first surgery. I went through a lot of emotions. I was scared, I cried, I laughed, and dozed. Also gave my parents guilt trips when they'd leave after visiting me in the hospital. You know, just had to do it. lol

Anyways, one week after a small stomach ache started, I sit here minus one gall bladder and with many many bruises and sore spots. Moral to the story, Do not put off seeing a doctor if you have a stomach ache.

I could probably type a lot of stuff here but I'll leave it now.. time to relax and enjoy my first night home..

Rough Days

When I originally started this blog, I was going to use it solely to show off my weird dreams and poetry and writing junk like that.  It was going to be a place free from my health issues.  As the years have gone by, I have posted a couple of health related things and rants and junk like that.   I still want to keep this blog mainly for my musings, dreams, and stuff related to writing.   However, I need a place to vent as well.   A place where I can post my thoughts, free from judgments and idiots and stress.   This is my blog.  I don't post things to amuse you. I do it to amuse myself and also to get things out there in the universe.   You are free to skip these kind of posts if you want.  There are labels to the right of your screen and you can click on a word to take you to posts related to that word.   Or, you can just go away.   lol  

 

Now on to what's bugging me today.   I started the day in a not so good mood (for unknown reason).  It was made worse when I found my package is stuck in Kentucky because it missed it's connection.  grrr.  Then I was asked stupid questions at work.  Stupid questions are nothing new but today they irritated me.  Then, after coming in from a break outside, my left foot decided to cramp up and just hurt for the hell of it.  I could barely walk back to my desk it hurt so badly. I was near tears, but I made it to my desk.  Once I sat down, the pain magically went away.  I relaxed a bit and then half hour later, I stood up, took 2 steps, the pain was back in my left foot.  Oh, but wait, the right knee and right hand decided to hurt too.   And let's not discuss the fact that my right elbow has been hurting all week making use of that arm near impossible. 

 

My foot pain is still there but has dwindled some.  It better go away before I get off work because I really have to go grocery shopping.  I'm out of everything.   if  the pain is still there, I'll still go shopping but only get what I can't do without for a couple of days like dry cat food, soap, something for dinner and lunch tomorrow.

 

I've been taking a new multivitamin for almost a week now.  I thought maybe it would help with the Rheumatoid Arthritis symptoms but haven't noticed anything yet.   But that's okay.  I didn't expect anything to happen yet.   But maybe it will help with the Fatigue, that's my biggest issue. 

 

I haven't written anything in my books since April 25th.  Mainly because I have been so tired and in pain.  I hate it.  Also, while I am dreaming, I haven't been remembering my dreams lately.    That may be because I have been so tired.  Who knows...  

 

I have been thinking of reposting some of my poems with the pictures I made for them.  I have them saved.   maybe doing that will get me writing again.   I have to get back to work, duty calls.      As always, thanks for reading!

 

Pain, Emotions and a Confession

I've had a crappy weekend. All weekend, I've been in pain, extreme fatigue and depressed all because of the Rheumatoid Arthritis. I've also come to realize that people either don't care or don't believe how bad it can get. I can't make them believe but I can list what hurts at the moment.

• both feet



• left ankle



• left knee



• both hands (and all fingers)



• right wrist



• right elbow

Sad to say, this isn't as terrible as I've felt before. Hell, just yesterday, it was all of the above and right knee and left wrist and a headache. Now, throw on top of that, fatigue. I'm not talking about "gee, I feel tired today". I'm talking about, you are so tired that you can't seem to do anything but watch tv. Other people would take a nap but I've never been one for naps. Only time I really napped every day was after I got home from the hospital 3 years ago. Also, add to it the sadness from depression and from living with this for as long as I have.

I know when people hear the word arthritis, they think of the more common form, osteo-arthritis and that's no bid deal. While I probably do have that too, I'm not talking about that. I will not tell people I have arthritis. I tell them I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I know I don't act sick when you see at me work or other places. That's because I have learned to mask my feelings and pain. Why mask them? Because I don't know how to deal with it. I also don't use a cane because that wouldn't let me mask my pain, would it?

Yup, that's my big confession. I don't know how to deal with the depression brought on by stress and this illness. I don't know how to deal with the pain that I feel every day. So I pretend. I may take some ibuprofen or tylenol or something, but that's about it. I pretend it doesn't exist. It must be helping, right? I mean, I've had Rheumatoid Arthritis for 14 years.

Lately, I've been trying to be more "vocal" about things. I'm not succeeding. You want a hint about how I'm feeling? Check my facebook page, I haven't put a status update in a few days. I haven't replied to as many people's posts as usual or said much on facebook. I closed myself off.

Something happened yesterday. Somebody said something to me that made me cry. I won't go into details but I cried a lot. I still get choked up thinking about it and my response to that person. Now I have always tried to find a bright side of every situation. I guess the bright side of this is that I found out how people feel about me. No more guessing about it. I know.

That thing that happened yesterday did make me realize something. A lot of people may not believe that I am truly in pain, sad, fatigued, etc because I have pretended that I'm not. It's my fault. People ask me how I'm doing. I say I'm okay. even when I'm not okay, it's what I say. So, it's all my fault.

Now, let me clarify something. I am depressed but I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I'm just sad. I am allowed to be sad. After all, I work full time with this facade of being okay. I am allowing myself to be sad. I am not pretending right now. That's why I'm typing this up. I'm putting this out there in case people do actually stop by and read here. I'm also typing this up for my own benefit. Self prescribed therapy, if you will.

Tomorrow, I will take a spare cane to work with me. Just so I have it in my cube. I think that will be a bit of therapy in itself. Small steps right? those are the only steps I can take right now.

Edited to add clarification: I have posted facebook status' but they do not say how I feel. I mean, I posted a quick poem on Thursday, where I was saturday morning, but when was the last time I put a feeling on facebook?

Case of the Energy Blahs

Hidey ho people! Today I'd like to talk about energy or lack there of. I have no energy and no will power. I know from past experience that exercising does not give you more energy for me. never has and probably never will. As far as I'm concerned, that is a myth. Caffiene does not get me wired. It barely helps to wake me up at all. I've tried energy drinks with vitamins and minerals that give you energy and they don't seem to work on me either. So, what's left for me? I try to take a multivitamin every day, although I have missed a few days. I get plenty of sleep. Yes, I am overweight but I've known a lot of overweight people that have so much energy, that it drives me nuts.

Yes, I have health issues that cause a lot of fatigue. Hypothyroidism (hashimoto's to be exact) does have lack of energy as a side effect. So tell me, what can I do to get some energy?

My apartment is a disaster because I haven't cleaned in a while. My fridge needs to be cleaned out badly and I have other things that need to get done around my place. None of it will be done. because I have no energy.

So tell me... besides the things that don't give me extra energy ( like exercise, caffiene, vitamins like B12, quality sleep etc) What can I do to give myself more energy?

Lack of Writing

Hello all! Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while but I haven't had much to post. I have been too tired during the day and just haven't felt very creative. I'm hoping that's going to change soon.

I did some research online and read some people have felt better by taking their thyroid medication at night instead of in the morning as recommended by doctors. So last Monday, I started taking mine at night. I know I had taken it at night before but I can't recall if I noticed a difference or not. This time, since I am paying more attention to it, I think I am noticing a difference. It has only been 4 days since I switched times but this morning, I woke up in a better mood, I played with my cat around the apartment and I am actually warmer today even tough it's only 36F outside. I also noticed that yesterday, my temperature has gone up to a more normal temperature. It was 98.1 at the doctor's office yesterday and I know I don't have a fever. I think I have been sleeping better as well. I will continue to take my thyroid meds at night and see what happens.

I am also wondering if switching the time of day I take my medicine has effected my creativity a bit. Last night before I went to sleep, I found myself thinking about my book in progress and the scene I stopped writing at. I started thinking about where the scene is going and wondering if I want it to go that direction. Even as I work today, I find my mind drifting back to my book in progress.

Now I am curious and really wish I could remember how I felt the last time I took my meds at night. Was I more energetic? Did I feel less fatigue? Did I write more and have more thoughts?

Time will tell, I guess. As for today, I will open up my file and reread the last chapter I wrote and think about rewriting it or keeping it.

Thanks to all who read and don't forget, comments are open so that anybody can comment.

A Rant, A vent and a whimper

I don't normally use this blog for ranting. I tried to save it for my writing and my weird dreams. However, I think I need to do some writing of a different kind.

A normal day for me is the fatigue with a joint or four hurting. It's not the pain of Rheumatoid Arthritis that gets to me, it's the fatigue. Fatigue is the biggest part in my book of Rheumatoid Arthritis. Now I also have hypothyroidism and fatigue is a side effect of that too. So I get it two fold and it sucks big time. I really hate it. Most days, I don't know how I get through a work day at all. but I do it. I work full time at an office and some days I do a lot of walking somehow. Other days, I can't seem to move from my desk. Somebody have caffeine to help them out but not me. I don’t get that awake feeling that other people get. I wish I did.

Sad to say that those are normal days for me. Now add to it a cold. If a normal person gets a cold, they'd be annoyed but survive the days. I have a cold on top of my fatigue and I'm just dragging... more so than usual. Runny nose, sore throat, some coughing and sneezing and I dozed off in the chair for a bit because I'm just so tired.

I do get depressed from time to time because this fatigue gets so old after dealing it day in and day out. Today, I actually want to cry and keep crying until somebody tells me it’ll be alright. But it won’t be alright. That’s not a new revelation for me; I’ve always known it won’t be alright. Maybe that’s why I get depressed. Maybe depressed is the wrong word for it, maybe sad is better.

I know a lot of people with my issues and worse are out there living their life and dealing with it. Well good for them, I’m really happy for them. But I’m not them. I’m having a hard time and most people will never know it because I tend to hide things very well. I always have hidden myself from others but I’m slowly changing that… or trying to.

Tonight, just for tonight, I’m going to cry a bit and wait for better days. So I’ll go, take my cold and my issues and sit in the recliner and cry and just let it out. It’s been a while since I’ve done that.

A Date to Remember

I'm at my desk at work and I have one of those day calendars that still had Friday the 10th as the date. I flipped forward a couple of days to today's date and realized today is an anniversary of sorts. One year ago today, right about at this time, my parents were trying to get in touch with me. I do remember my mom on the cell phone saying "Stay where you are. Dad's on his way." Next thing I remember is opening the front door to see a bald police man standing there with paramedics behind him and my dad behind them. Evidently, it took them a lot of talking to convince me to open the door. Then I remember being on the stretcher and in the ambulance on my way to the hospital.

One year ago today, I had Viral Meningitis. Doctors at the time that I was admitted, didn't know if I had Encephalitis, Bacterial or Viral Meningitis. They didn't actually say it was Viral Meningitis until the 3rd day I was in the hospital. They were close to saying I had Encephalitis which is worse.

I know I need to let go of what happened but look at it from my point of view. It was the first time I had ever stayed in a hospital, I literally lost my mind and didn't know who anybody was and didn't know how to do simple things like turn the heat down or put a barrette in my hair. I had a fever of 102 and my normal temp is around 96 so I was very delirious. I also lost 9 pounds in the 4 days I was in the hospital because I couldn't keep anything down. I have very few memories of my battle with meningitis but what I do remember, I wish I didn't.

I had to be restrained in the hospital bed because I kept trying to leave. I remember those straps on my wrists and ankles. I believe I also had to be sedated. I remember the Doctors asking me what the date was and I said February 2005. I remember seeing my Dad burst into tears by my bed.

I also remember saying "I love you" a lot. According to my family, I said it to everybody who came near me. Doctors, nurses, and family members. That's the only good thing that happened.
After being admitted Sunday to the hospital, I was released the following Wednesday. I was only released because I forced myself to eat and was lucky enough the food stayed down. I was so exhausted and had no energy. I remember my parents taking me to the pharmacy on the way home from hospital, but don't remember for what medication.

I was out of work for about a month because of this sickness. Even though the meningitis was gone, I still had no energy and took many naps during the day and still had a headache from it. Then of course there were the many follow up appointments with my own doctor who had to run her own tests and be sure I was okay.

I was supposed to be on vacation April 13th through the 18th last year. I was supposed to go pick up my parents and we were going to drive to Las Vegas. So when I didn't show up at my parents doorstep, they called me. If they hadn't called me and figured out something was wrong, then who knows what would have happened. I had kept telling my mom that I had to go work and that's why she kept telling me to stay where I was. If I had gotten behind the wheel in that state of mind, I surely would have caused an accident.

It took me nearly all year to get over the fear of getting sick again. Scratch that, I'm not over that fear. I will always be afraid of getting Viral Meningitis again but now, at least I can shake a person's hand. The doctors told me that somebody probably had a cold or respiratory infection and when it got to me, my screwed up immune system mutated it and turned into the meningitis. Because of that, I will always have that fear of getting sick again.

I will always remember April 2008. I will always remember what it did to me and my family. In the future, I will try not to get choked up when remembering what happened.

Happiness is....

Happiness is discovering that the abscess has reduced and basically gone away on it's own so I don't have to go to the dentist this week.

Yesterday, I found an abscess on my upper gum near a bad tooth. I knew I had to call a dentist and make an appointment. Sounds easy, right? Well, add in a fear of dentists and the unnatural needles in mouths and what not, and it's not easy anymore. I was dreading it.
Well, I settled on a dentist to call, took a couple advil and went to bed. This morning, the abscess was still there at 5am. I took a couple more advil, rinced my mouth with warm water and strong mouth wash (oh that burned!!!) and by 7am, I thought "am I imaging things or is the abscess smaller?" by 9am, the abscess was gone completely.

So I am happy! I get to put off a trip to the dentist until next week. It was just bad timing this week because I'm swamped at work! and really, that's not just an excuse. just too many things going on at work.

Just thought I'd share a bit of happiness...

Just when you think you are over something, it comes back to scare you

As my friends may remember, in April 2008, I had viral meningitis which hospitalized me for 4 days and made me miss work for 4 weeks. As a result of that, I became afraid to touch people or touch things they touched in case there were germs on them. I have a screwed up immune system and the doctors said that somebody probably had a cold at work or at a grocery store, and because I'm screwed up, my body turned it into viral meningitis. So I did whatever I could to avoid being around sick people and kept hand santizers with me at all times. I didn't even want to hug my niece and nephews because let's face it, kids are germ factories.

I forced myself to get over that fear that I could get meningitis from anybody or anything at anytime. I realized I didn't have any control over it and if it happens again, it just happens. I thought I was okay with it. Until now..

Yesterday morning I woke up with a cold. sore throat, runny nose, fever. Immediately my fears came rushing back at me. I calmed myself after reviewing my symptoms and reminded myself that it's just a cold. Then later in the day, I had an upset stomach and a headache and a sore neck, just like I did with the meningitis. I took my temperature constantly yesterday. Even this morning, first thing I did was take my temperature and make sure I could move my neck alright.

I took yesterday off from work but I’m at work now for a half day. As I write this, I’m wishing I had my thermometer with me. A normal temp for me is 96 degrees. When I had meningitis, my temp soared to 102. Yesterday, it was 98.1. so I had a small fever yesterday. Today, no fever but still I want that thermometer to be sure. lol

I hate having this fear that I'll get meningitis again. I don't wish that sickness on anybody. When I had it, I was literally out of my mind. I remember bits and pieces of that time but what I do remember, I don't like. If it had just attacked my body, I wouldn't still be afraid. It's the fact that it attacked my mind too. I don't want to lose my mind again.

I haven't told my parents that I have a cold because they share the same fears I do. I am still fighting my fears. I know that a majority of the people who had Viral Meningitis never get it again but I know people who have had it more than once. And since I'm soooooo lucky to have a screwed up immune system, chances are I'll get it again.

So I am struggling with my own fears today and the fears will probably always come up whenever I get a cold or something else And that makes me sad. I need to learn to deal with this. Since I'm taking a half day from work, I am going to go to the grocery store on my way home and get some medicine and try not to think about the germs on the shopping carts.

Shock to the heart

My mom is having problems getting her medications figured out. Last week, her blood thinner id was 3.9 and it needs to be between 2 and 3. Today, it was 1.5. so, they have to fiddle around with her meds again to get it right. Then, next Tuesday, she has to get a cardioversion done to get her heart back to a normal rhythm. I found this website which has a lot of good information about cardioversion. I always read up on anything medical because it helps me not only to understand what is going on but it makes me feel better as well. Although sometimes, it does cause more stress and worry by reading these things, I still would rather know than not know anything. So I sent that link to my family and also copied one part

"Because of residual effects of the anesthetic medications used, patients are advised not to drive or make any important decisions for the rest of the day. A responsible adult should be available to provide transportation home."

And then I said, "So mom is not allowed to drive or make any decisions and Do we have a responsible adult available? LOL"

I have to include a bit of humor in things otherwise we'd go nuts. I'm stressed enough as it is, so humor helps to ease it a bit.

Just thought I'd give an update to any readers I might have.

Shocking!!

I had a shock this morning. I got on the scale still half asleep but the number I saw woke me up. It actually said 159.5 lbs!!! I was so thrilled that I ran and got the camera. set the camera down nearby and got on the scale again. this time it said 160.5. rats. LOL But I'm still recording the 159.5. I saw that number, it was real darnit! LOL I took my measurements last night. I was surprised to see the numbers go down as much as they did but I won't argue. I'll take it.

It's a good way to start the day and I don't even mind how painful my fingers are this morning from the arthritis. I do mind how cold it is though. Since I've been up, the temperature went from 5 °F to 2.2 °F / -16.6 °C . The weather weenies say it will get up to 34 °F today. I'll believe that when I see it. With the inch of snow and ice out there and the cold temperture, I guess I'll have to leave a bit early for work.

As messy and horrible traffic will be, I'll still be in a good mood. All Thanks to that number I saw on the scale briefly this morning.

What a crummy way to start a day

I booted up my computer and started loading some pictures off my camera onto the computer. I noticed the desktop background wasn't showing up so I navigated to where the picture was and it was still there. I tried to make it the background picture but it wouldn't let me. so I selected another picture and it worked fine. I opened windows explorer and started looking at the picture folder. Yea, I still had everything and my pictures loaded off the camera card just fine. I suddenly notice that there's a picture folder in my music folder. I go look there and all my pictures are there. I go back to the original picture folder and the pictures are gone.

Now, last night, I accidently moved the pictures but I caught that and pressed cancel and everything was fine. This morning, that's not the case. Crap. I tried to move the pictures back to the original location but it won't let me. And every time it gave me an error saying it wouldn't do it, my pictures disappeared!! I couldn't find them anywhere. So I did a system restore thinking that would put things back the way they were but nooooooooooo Now, I don't have any pictures at all and the ones I just uploaded off the camera were gone and they're not on the camera card either. And they were 23 new pictures of Pipsqueek being cute and active and they were adorable pictures!! and now they're gone!! Damn!

Crap. So, my computer threw up. Decided all my pictures were not worthy to be on it, I guess. So, every picture I've ever taken and acquired off the internet or created myself are gone. Stupid doodoo kaka pooopoo!!

To top it off, I tried to eat my breakfast earlier, and I nearly threw up. So I'm not having a good day already. I'm supposed to leave for work now. I'm dressed and ready to go. But if my home computer crap and how I feel are a sign of things to come. Maybe I'll just stay home. I've been sick for the past few days and still waiting to hear back from doctor's office when I contacted them yesterday. My face as gone from hot to the touch an hour ago to now it feels chilled like chicken fat. I should stay home.

Nah... I'll just go to work and if needed I'll take a half day. I was going to take a half day yesterday but didn't. I should today.
Well, gotta go. Just wanted to vent about stupid piece of crap computer. Hope the day gets better.

Change in plans... I just tried to get my coat on and couldn't even do that. I put one arm through a sleeve just fine. I put the other arm in the other sleeve and the arm came out the bottom of the coat. I tried it again and got the same result. I took the coat off and threw it on the floor. Held back the tears of frustration and said. That's it. If I can't put a coat on, I can't go to work. I picked up my cell phone to call my boss but didn't think I should talk to him while angry so I emailed him. "I had been fighting myself on whether or not to go to work since I still feel crummy and when I couldn't even put a stupid coat on myself, I decided that's it. If I can't even function enough to put a damn coat on, I shouldn't go to work. "
I'm so frustrated I want to cry.

Updated: I found the pictures! They are buried deep in a folder within another folder within another folder and on and on. C:\Users\Kd\Music\Pictures\Pictures\Pictures\Pictures\

So now, I am putting them in a zip file and I'll save it to disk or something and then try to move the pictures again. if this doesn't work, I'll just delete the blasted things. lol

Weight a minute

On January 14th, I weighed 162 lbs and that's the last time I updated my ticker below. Then stress happened. Little sleep, lots of food, lots of stress and worry, I went up to 167. Today, after a week of working, still with little sleep (except last night I did get 7 hours, Yippee!!) and forcing myself not to chow down on everything, I'm back down to 162 lbs.

My original goal was to be at 150 lbs by February 9th which is my birthday. I figured that would be the best present I could give myself. If I still want to make that goal, I'd have to lose 12 pounds in 2 weeks which I just know aint gonna happen. But If I can get down to 154, I'd be thrilled. Why 154? Because then I could have that even number of 80.

I'll work at it and see what I can lose. Hopefully, the arthritis won't be too bad and I can actually do more exercise. On my February 9th, I'll post here to tell you what my weight is. I'll also give you my decision about whether to continue the weight loss to try to get down to a number in the 140 range. Heck, I may decide to lose as much as I can before march 28th. March 28th will be my 1 year anniversary of when I started this weight loss battle.

As good as it feels to have lost all this weight, I have to remember. I may be winning the battle but the war will never be one. I will constantly fight with weight for the rest of my life. Or at least until I reach that moment of utter defeat for when I truly give up. I can't say that won't happen because in a nother 20 years, I probably won't give a damn about weight. LOL

Update on Mom

my dad sent an email earlier "Dr. visited at 5PM. Mom will be on Diuretics and two heart meds,one for blood pressure control the other for heart rate control and Heparinto thin her blood. The underlying cause(s) are fluid build up, uncontrolledfibrillation hat might be fixed with a small shock later when she is morestable and a partially occluded heart artery. There will be a heart cathlater when the blood thinner levels are finally adjusted to address the POSSIBLE blockage. She might go home tomorrow."

Of course we all want to know what has caused this episode and heart trouble and just saying fluid build up is not a cause. what caused the fluid build up? I'm keeping quiet but one sister and my aunt have replied to all asking those questions and they feel like the cardiologist is just treating the symptoms and not looking for the source. To us, this means that mom will go home thinking nothing is wrong and she'll go back to her old ways.

I know my mom wants to come home but we all feel (except maybe dad of course) that she should stay there in the hospital another couple of days so they can find the darn cause of this crud. She's never had a heart attack and there's no scarring on her heart (test says so). so we know that's not a cause. If it's a blockage, they need to look for it and find that now instead of putting it off. She was supposed to have a Trans Esophogeal Electrocardigram test today but they cancelled that for unknown reasons. It's a good hospital, but either Dad isn't telling us everything or the doctor is not doing everything.

I haven't seen Mom today, I was a walking zombie all through work and felt I needed to go directly home instead of to hospital. Even now, I'm just too tired to think anymore..

I give up on trying to understand anything.. I'll just step away from the computer and maybe go to bed 3 hours early.