Stress

 I was laid off of work for the first time ever. My last day was February 29th.  I've been panicky, depressed, angry, and stressed.  Stress is not good for my rheumatoid arthritis.  So yes, I was in pain too.  Probably more so than usual.  

When you are in pain every day, you learn to brush it off or hide it so others don't realize you're hurting.  I hide it very well and even manage to fool myself into thinking it's not that bad.  I didn't realize how much I fooled myself until I started to focusing on the symptoms.  

On Monday the 7th, I started a log .   It's just an excel spreadsheet where I list basic activities, pain level, where it hurts, etc.  

I only have four days worth of stuff and already it's made me think.  When you have to rate your pain level, it makes you ask yourself, why didn't I say anything sooner?  or Why didn't I get help?   Because I've learned to hide the pain, the fatigue, and all the other crap on a day to day basis.  With work, I always had something to distract me from how crappy I felt. Since I'm not working, well... no distractions and a lot of thinking.  Self realization.  

The thought of finding another job is scary.  it's terrifying to me.  I haven't had a job interview in nearly 18 years. I'm sure that it's normal to be scared and intimidated over the thought of looking for another job, getting those interviews. 

But I realized something else.   What is making me panic and stress is the thought of having to walk in a huge office.  How many steps to the bathroom?  What's the shortest route to the bathroom?  Would I be allowed to take frequent breaks?  Because I can't stay seated behind a desk for more than hour or my legs hurt and get stiff.  If I can't take frequent breaks, would my future boss think it's okay to wander around my cube or just to stand for a few minutes.  Speaking of standing, I can't stand longer than a half hour or my poor feet hurt worse. 

so yea, I have those thoughts going on.   The symptom log I started has made me realize that I shouldn't be hiding what Rheumatoid Arthritis is doing to me.  I haven't seen a rheumatologist in years and that's biting me in the ass now.  Why haven't I seen a RA doc?  Because I have had horrible luck with them and the medications they put you on are insane.   I know I have to find an RA Doc once my health insurance is figured out but I just hope he's going to listen to me. 

I won't go into my reason about why I don't like the medications or my history with RA docs. You can see my post from last year by clicking here.  So now, I need to find a rheumatologist who will listen to me and help me and that might take a while. 

Wish me luck!

Dream time!

Last night, I dreamed that I was at a grocery store in the checkout.  It was my turn and the cashier sort of looked like Angela Bassett.  I struck up a conversation with her and she had a New Orleans accent.  I told her I had been laid off so jokingly asked if she could give me any deals.    She said she’d see what she could do.   She then talked about herself. she said she married James Garner last year but nobody believed her because he died in 2014.  I told her it did seem pretty unbelievable.   

She leaned closer to me and said “Ah, but I’ll let you in on a secret, cher.  I brought him back to life.  I ask the spirits to bring him back to me and they listened.   I will ask the spirits to help you too.” 

The whole time, a customer behind me is snorting and laughing and not hiding the fact that he thinks the cashier is fruity.  I’m thinking, but James Garner died in 2014. She’s not really married to him.  Maybe she’s an obsessed fan who can’t deal with his death.  Then I suddenly hear her say.  “Ah, yes. here he comes now.”  

I look up and here comes James freaking Garner walking up to her with a huge smile on his face.  He looks younger, maybe in his 50s.  I’m stunned as he walks right up to her and kisses her.   He looks at me and I just say “uh... Hi James.”  

“Hi yourself.  I see she’s been talking about me again.”    

“Yea. she has.”  

The cashier is smiling huge because she’s looking around and all her coworkers have basically stopped doing anything and are staring at James Garner.   I lean back in to her and say  “So, do you think the spirits really could help me?”

And then I woke up.  

Dream time: The Dollhouse Mysteries

Last night, I had a fun dream.  I was in a room with a lot of other people. It was like a classroom and we all had large desks in front of us.  We were given assignments to find another way to do what you loved.  If you loved painting, you had to use another medium like chalk or pencil.  If you loved making things out of clay, you had to try using wood.  Me?  Since I loved to write, I had to find another way to get my story across and not use something simple like a video camera.

I chose to use a doll house.   Yup, it was a huge doll house with three floors, and six rooms on each floor.  The house opened up down the middle so you could see three rooms on each side of the floor split.    So I sat there with the doll house in front of me and thought of what story to use.  Like my writing, I didn't have anything planned out.  I just decided to start with a room and go from there.  I started with the attic and added boxes and trunks and ghosts.  Let me say that i somehow had everything in miniature in front of me. Everything I needed was there. Well, except for the ghosts.  for those, I took miniature dress mannequins and wrapped tissue paper around them.  lol

Attic was done. Moved on to the next room.  There, I started adding a bedroom set made of some light colored wood.  Everything was pristine and beautiful except there was a red liquid spilled on the bed.   The next room was a bathroom with the usual features.  I added a naked doll so that he was taking a shower.    The third room was another bedroom with blues of various shades.  All normal except for the two kids, a girl and a boy, huddled and shivering in a corner.  

On and on the rooms went, each with their scenes.  The dream fast forwards a bit and I'm working on the final room. The living room.  It was a Christmas scene. A decorated christmas tree next to a couch.  Stockings, and garland decorating the fireplace. Christmas lights were lined up along the archway that led to the dining room.  In the corner, behind the couch, a man was hanging from the ceiling. O.o  Yup. A man hung from a noose and slightly swayed.

The instructor came over to see what I had done and I was just putting up the finishing touch of a skeleton on a rocking chair on the porch.   I smiled brightly at the instructor who had a look of horror on his face as he examined all the rooms.   I was proud of my work and couldn't wait to get his opinion.   unfortunately, I woke up just as he looked at me and started to back away from me. lmao

Help me!

I have had  go fund me page active for a month and no donations yet.  I'm hoping i can keep it active. If not, I'll just keep creating a new one.   so here ya go.   Click on the link below to help me out!

https://www.gofundme.com/publishmeplease

Truthful Ramblings

We've all seen quotes about how the truth will set you free or the truth will prevail.  Those sort of quotes.   Personally, I don't believe it.  What one person sees as truth, another person will see as a lie. 

Opinions are freely given these days.  Unfortunately, I feel like some people believe their opinion is the truth of the matter.   Opinions interfere with everything.  

If two people witness the same event, their descriptions will come up differently.  And each person will believe they are telling the truth and the other person is wrong.  

People see things differently.  And because of this, the meaning of the word truth is messed up. That will not change.  

People often wish for world peace.   But I don't see this being possible because of what I said before.   Two sides of a war. Each side believing they are telling the truth of a matter and the other lies.  Who is right?  Who is wrong?   What one person sees as truth, another person will see as a lie. There is no truth in this instance.  Because of this, there can be no world peace.   

Are you honestly going to tell me that you would shake hands with your greatest enemy and say, "No more battles.  Ever."  and tell me it's the truth?  It won't happen.   As long as human beings have free will, free thought, there will be no world peace.  There will be no truth.  



"You can be standing right in front of the truth and not necessarily see it, and people only get it when they're ready to get it."  ~GEORGE HARRISON