Pity Party

It's time for a little pity party.  I'm your host and you're all invited.  

 

All this past week, my joints have been hurting. Rheumatoid Arthritis sucks.  I don't care if you don't think it's a disease. I don't care if you think it's just a little pain.  I could wish that you live in my shoes for a week and see how you deal with it but I can't. I won't wish R.A. on anybody, friend or enemy. 

 

You see, Rheumatoid Arthritis isn't just about pain. It's about fatigue too.  some days you feel like you've been run over by an 18 wheeler, repeatedly.. other days you feel like you've been run over by a 10 speed bike.  Now add to that the weak and tired and fatigued feeling you feel when you get the Flu.  Don't forget to factor in the little fact that you will never know which joints will hurt on which days and you will never know how tired you are from one day to the next.    Now imagine living with it and working full time.

 

Yea, that's my life.  Usually, I don't let it get to me too much.  I pretend I'm okay and sometimes I believe it.   Wednesday, driving home from work was Hell with the stop and go traffic.  My right knee was screaming at me and I was near tears by the time I got home.  When I did get home, I tried to relax and elevate my legs. It did help but not enough. By Thursday morning, I was using my cane to walk around my apartment.  I had to work from home Thursday because the pain was so bad.    Thursday night, I knew I had to go into the office Friday and I knew I would have to bring a cane with me (I brought the cane I keep stored in my car).    I fell asleep early, around 8pm didn't wake up until 5:15 am (15 minutes after my alarm clock went off).  My knee felt better, I could around my apartment okay.  But I didn't let that fool me. 

 

Here I am at work with my cane behind me and typing.  I am again near tears but not just because of the pain, it's because of my situation.  It gets overwhelming sometimes.    I drove into work with my right knee starting to scream at me for driving.  I hobble around the office and work.  Now I'm sitting here, thinking about things and the thought that this is my future is more than I can handle.  I've had Rheumatoid Arthritis for over 13 years now.  I should be used to it.  But knowing that there is no cure for R.A. and you either have to diminish your immune system to nothing to stop R.A. (and risk getting every germ in the office, and I mean every germ of every kind) or find a way to deal with the pain. 

 

Please don't give me the "I heard there was a special diet to help R.A...."   and "You won't get every germ if you take the medicine..."

 

First, I am not going to stop eating the foods I love.  The only way that would happen is if you wire my jaw shut. I love food too much to be put on a special diet for the rest of my life.   Secondly, I took those medicines before and while they did help my arthritis a lot, it seemed like I had a cold all the time.  Also, I got meningitis 2 years ago because my immune system is so messed up.  Do you really think I want to take the medicines to reduce my immune system to nothing and risk getting meningitis again?  Not only no but Hell no! 

 

So, I'll sit here and do my work.  I'll get up every 30 minutes or more so that my joints don't stiffen up.  I'll go through each day like I have before.   Just remember, when you look at me, don't think I have it easy and please don't wish you could trade places.   It's not fun. you won't like it.