Shock to the heart

My mom is having problems getting her medications figured out. Last week, her blood thinner id was 3.9 and it needs to be between 2 and 3. Today, it was 1.5. so, they have to fiddle around with her meds again to get it right. Then, next Tuesday, she has to get a cardioversion done to get her heart back to a normal rhythm. I found this website which has a lot of good information about cardioversion. I always read up on anything medical because it helps me not only to understand what is going on but it makes me feel better as well. Although sometimes, it does cause more stress and worry by reading these things, I still would rather know than not know anything. So I sent that link to my family and also copied one part

"Because of residual effects of the anesthetic medications used, patients are advised not to drive or make any important decisions for the rest of the day. A responsible adult should be available to provide transportation home."

And then I said, "So mom is not allowed to drive or make any decisions and Do we have a responsible adult available? LOL"

I have to include a bit of humor in things otherwise we'd go nuts. I'm stressed enough as it is, so humor helps to ease it a bit.

Just thought I'd give an update to any readers I might have.

Happy Birthday to me

Wellm I'm 37 years old today. Mentally, I very much feel like a teenager, complete with selfishness, rebelions, depressions, and mood swings. Physically, thanks to my arthritis, I feel like I'm 60 years old. Woke up this morning with fingers extremely stiff and sore but that's my own fault. I've been trying to get off the prednisone so only took 2 pills last night. But I took one this morning along with excedrin because of the sore fingers. On the plus side, my legs aren't that much of a problem anymore. My legs still bother me but my fingers and shoulders are worse. I can deal with the leg pains, no problem at all. It used to be, I'd have pain all through my body. While exercise has helped to dimish the leg pain, the pain is not gone completely.

Speaking of exercise, I need to get back on the gazelle today. My goal was to be 150 lbs by today. While I'm not 150, I'm still happy. I am at 159.5lbs today. yes, I lost 74.5 pounds. I have 9.5 more pounds to go to get to my goal. I'd like to try and lose as much of that as I can this week. The 15th is payday and I'll have extra money. Plus, my tax refunds are scheduled to be in my account around that date too. So next weekend, I can actually go shopping. So I want to lose as much weight as I can before then, so I can hope, pray, beg, squeeze into a size 12. At this moment, I don't see size 12 as a possibility. I feel fat. but I'm holding on to a thread of hope that it can happen.

No plans for my birthday. haven't heard from any family members so it looks like I'll be spending it alone. If that is still the case by noon, I'll go to the liquor store and buy myself a treat. Then go to the grocery store and treat myself to a steak. Steak is so darn expensive these days, and I haven't bought any for probably a year now. But It's my birthday and darn it, I'm worth it.

So today, I'll do more writing, exercise, maybe clean up this pig sty I live in and also go to the store. Once I can actually bend my fingers, then I'll get on the gazelle. No use in trying to use the Gazelle when you can't grip the handles. Maybe I'll go soak my fingers in extremely hot (almost burning) water. That always does the trick.

Thank you to my friends who have already wished me a happy birthday. You guys are great and I love ya! That's all from me, see ya on the 'net. Oh, and get up and move! Dance to your own tune and Dance like nobody's watching!

Confidence has escaped me

I'm having a no confidence day today. I try to read something on the internet and get confused, don't understand what I'm reading. A website says they are explaining things in layman's terms and yet, I still don't understand what I'm reading. It makes me feel like an idiot. So I've lost confidence in my mental status.

I had been thinking about treating myself to new shoes this weekend since my one pair of shoes, sneakers, have holes in the top of them. I started thinking about what kind of shoes I'd be able to get. Well, heels are not an option becuase I need something with a lot of cushion in the balls of the feet. Plus, due to my extra wide feet, I can barely find any pair of shoes that fit. So the shoes have to be extra wide. And I have to be able to wear them all day long without foot pain because of my arthritis. So all those factors limit what kind of shoes I can buy. So me spending a day trying on hundred pairs of shoes just to find one pair that fits, does not sound like a treat. So my confidence about shopping is gone.

And besides all that, despite the scale saying 159.5 this morning, I'm feeling fat right now and depressed. I hate my feet. I hate my body. I hate my mental inability to think things through. I was actuall on the verge of tears earlier because I felt so stupid.

To top it off, my birthday is saturday and I'm turning 37. This is going to sound totally selfish but I don't care. Normally, my family has emailed me by now because they want to take me out to dinner or have dinner at their house. Nobody has mentioned a damned thing which is not like them. Did I royally piss them off or something? I will never know because they don't talk about their feelings with me. My family doesn't make it easy to talk to them. Which is why I always write. Whether it's in a private journal or online somewhere. So now, I feel stupid, fat, clown feet, and over emotional. Just lovely..

Oh, I have an idea now. I'll stop at the liquor store tomorrow and get some bloody mary fixings. I have all sorts of liquor here at home (don't know why, since I really don't drink by myself). So maybe that will be my treat to myself. Bloody Marys since I'm so bloody stupid. Yea.. lovely..

If the rare readers I do have, have made it this far... sorry about the negative post but we can't be all sunshine and flowers all the time.

The Dream of Insanity

I had been wondering which of my dreams to post on here next but I couldn't decide on one. Luckily, that was decided last night. Here's my latest dream and it gives you an idea of what my dreams are like. One thing to note is that when I say I was scared in a dream, I mean it. I feel everything in dreams, I experience everything. Keep that in mind as you read.

Dream February 2, 2008
The dream started with me going into a building with a guy who turned out to be Peter Falk. This Peter Falk was smooth talking, a gentlemen and very nice, not annoying like the Columbo character. He was wearing a white suit and black bow tie that looked very nice on him. I was in a white dress that had peach colored flowers on it (I think I have this dress in my closet somewhere, LOL) and white sandals. I was carrying a camera and we walked into this dark building, I didn’t see the front of it so I don’t know what it looked like. Inside, there weren’t any lights on at all but Peter had a flashlight. The place was jam packed with various items like mannequins, lamps, couches, paintings, statues, etc. So we had to be careful where we walked.

I was snapping off pictures and would hold the camera above my head to get above the obstructions. Peter was talking about the history of the place but I wasn’t listening. I was actually very frightened but continued taking pictures and following Peter. At one spot, I took a picture of the corner with camera above my head and I saw the preview picture on the camera. I swore I saw Hitler in the photograph and looked at the picture closely. I said “Oh my God! Peter, you have to see this.” And I caught up to Peter holding the camera out to show him the picture.

He looked and said “Where did you take this?” I pointed out the spot and he shined his flashlight over there. The light went quickly over Hitler’s face and I shrieked. I was standing there pointing with a shaky hand and not taking my eyes off of it. Then, Peter took the flashlight and slammed the back of my head with it, knocking me out. As I lay there on the floor, Peter said “I wish you didn’t see that.” Then he walked off, humming happily.

The next scene is Peter pouring himself a drink from some unlabeled undecorated glass bottle. He had a cigarette in one hand and the drink in the other. He turned around and looked at me and I was now on a really pale pink couch, leaning over the arm of the couch. I came to and the ice clinked in Peter’s glass as he took a drink. I groaned and sat up and looked at Peter with wide eyes. “Why did you hit me?” I asked.

Peter responded, “Because I can’t let you know what this place is.”

“What the Hell does that mean? We’re here 10 minutes and I know this place isn’t ‘right’ and you hit me with a freakin’ flash light? You moron!” I stood up and swayed a bit, landing me back on the couch. I got up again and ignored the swaying and stormed off. Leaving Peter whistling behind me.

As I rounded a corner, I saw another couch but with a pure white statue sitting on it, leaning forward, looking at a ballerina statue in front if it. I could see it was a man and he was reaching for the ballerina to make the music play. I know it was a statue so seeing it move scared me. I shrank back around the corner and I could still hear Peter whistling but he was somewhere else in the building now. Thinking my eyes were playing tricks on me, I calmed myself and walked right up to the statue. Only now, it was leaning back against the couch back with it’s head resting on the back of the couch. At first, it was Abraham Lincoln. Then as I approached, it changed into Vincent Price!!! It was still a statue but now it looked like Vincent Price. While it was changing, I could see it’s eyes darting from side to side. Now totally freaked out, I screamed and ran. Suddenly I could hear what sounded like stone on stone. It was the statue coming after me.

I kept running and ran right into a warm body. Yup, it was Peter. He took a drag from his cigarette and blew smoke at me and grinned evilly. “Sorry sugar, you’re not going anywhere.” I scream again (who knew I was such a screamer?) and turned to run the other way and was blocked by the statue. I turned again and ran and Peter was nowhere to be found. I found the path where we first came in and also found the flashlight that Peter used on me. I picked up the flashlight and scanned the cluttered room. Not seeing anything, I looked on the floor for my camera and found it nearby. For some reason, it seemed nature at this point to turn it on and take more pictures. I aimed the camera back the way I came and the statue was getting nearer. I took a quick couple of pictures and the flash seemed to have stopped him. He didn’t move anymore. I raised the camera above my head and took more pictures. I saw that I found Hitler again but now there was something else there. Hitler had a friend. I looked at the picture on the camera closely, and zoomed in on it. It was Peter Falk, with one hand on Hitler’s shoulder and the other hand waving at me.

That’s when I woke up!

Now, if I haven't scared you off, please leave a comment or question and dont' forget my poll on the right. Thank you and Pleasant dreams!