Confidence has escaped me

I'm having a no confidence day today. I try to read something on the internet and get confused, don't understand what I'm reading. A website says they are explaining things in layman's terms and yet, I still don't understand what I'm reading. It makes me feel like an idiot. So I've lost confidence in my mental status.

I had been thinking about treating myself to new shoes this weekend since my one pair of shoes, sneakers, have holes in the top of them. I started thinking about what kind of shoes I'd be able to get. Well, heels are not an option becuase I need something with a lot of cushion in the balls of the feet. Plus, due to my extra wide feet, I can barely find any pair of shoes that fit. So the shoes have to be extra wide. And I have to be able to wear them all day long without foot pain because of my arthritis. So all those factors limit what kind of shoes I can buy. So me spending a day trying on hundred pairs of shoes just to find one pair that fits, does not sound like a treat. So my confidence about shopping is gone.

And besides all that, despite the scale saying 159.5 this morning, I'm feeling fat right now and depressed. I hate my feet. I hate my body. I hate my mental inability to think things through. I was actuall on the verge of tears earlier because I felt so stupid.

To top it off, my birthday is saturday and I'm turning 37. This is going to sound totally selfish but I don't care. Normally, my family has emailed me by now because they want to take me out to dinner or have dinner at their house. Nobody has mentioned a damned thing which is not like them. Did I royally piss them off or something? I will never know because they don't talk about their feelings with me. My family doesn't make it easy to talk to them. Which is why I always write. Whether it's in a private journal or online somewhere. So now, I feel stupid, fat, clown feet, and over emotional. Just lovely..

Oh, I have an idea now. I'll stop at the liquor store tomorrow and get some bloody mary fixings. I have all sorts of liquor here at home (don't know why, since I really don't drink by myself). So maybe that will be my treat to myself. Bloody Marys since I'm so bloody stupid. Yea.. lovely..

If the rare readers I do have, have made it this far... sorry about the negative post but we can't be all sunshine and flowers all the time.