Pain, Emotions and a Confession

I've had a crappy weekend. All weekend, I've been in pain, extreme fatigue and depressed all because of the Rheumatoid Arthritis. I've also come to realize that people either don't care or don't believe how bad it can get. I can't make them believe but I can list what hurts at the moment.

• both feet



• left ankle



• left knee



• both hands (and all fingers)



• right wrist



• right elbow

Sad to say, this isn't as terrible as I've felt before. Hell, just yesterday, it was all of the above and right knee and left wrist and a headache. Now, throw on top of that, fatigue. I'm not talking about "gee, I feel tired today". I'm talking about, you are so tired that you can't seem to do anything but watch tv. Other people would take a nap but I've never been one for naps. Only time I really napped every day was after I got home from the hospital 3 years ago. Also, add to it the sadness from depression and from living with this for as long as I have.

I know when people hear the word arthritis, they think of the more common form, osteo-arthritis and that's no bid deal. While I probably do have that too, I'm not talking about that. I will not tell people I have arthritis. I tell them I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I know I don't act sick when you see at me work or other places. That's because I have learned to mask my feelings and pain. Why mask them? Because I don't know how to deal with it. I also don't use a cane because that wouldn't let me mask my pain, would it?

Yup, that's my big confession. I don't know how to deal with the depression brought on by stress and this illness. I don't know how to deal with the pain that I feel every day. So I pretend. I may take some ibuprofen or tylenol or something, but that's about it. I pretend it doesn't exist. It must be helping, right? I mean, I've had Rheumatoid Arthritis for 14 years.

Lately, I've been trying to be more "vocal" about things. I'm not succeeding. You want a hint about how I'm feeling? Check my facebook page, I haven't put a status update in a few days. I haven't replied to as many people's posts as usual or said much on facebook. I closed myself off.

Something happened yesterday. Somebody said something to me that made me cry. I won't go into details but I cried a lot. I still get choked up thinking about it and my response to that person. Now I have always tried to find a bright side of every situation. I guess the bright side of this is that I found out how people feel about me. No more guessing about it. I know.

That thing that happened yesterday did make me realize something. A lot of people may not believe that I am truly in pain, sad, fatigued, etc because I have pretended that I'm not. It's my fault. People ask me how I'm doing. I say I'm okay. even when I'm not okay, it's what I say. So, it's all my fault.

Now, let me clarify something. I am depressed but I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I'm just sad. I am allowed to be sad. After all, I work full time with this facade of being okay. I am allowing myself to be sad. I am not pretending right now. That's why I'm typing this up. I'm putting this out there in case people do actually stop by and read here. I'm also typing this up for my own benefit. Self prescribed therapy, if you will.

Tomorrow, I will take a spare cane to work with me. Just so I have it in my cube. I think that will be a bit of therapy in itself. Small steps right? those are the only steps I can take right now.

Edited to add clarification: I have posted facebook status' but they do not say how I feel. I mean, I posted a quick poem on Thursday, where I was saturday morning, but when was the last time I put a feeling on facebook?