Just when you think you are over something, it comes back to scare you

As my friends may remember, in April 2008, I had viral meningitis which hospitalized me for 4 days and made me miss work for 4 weeks. As a result of that, I became afraid to touch people or touch things they touched in case there were germs on them. I have a screwed up immune system and the doctors said that somebody probably had a cold at work or at a grocery store, and because I'm screwed up, my body turned it into viral meningitis. So I did whatever I could to avoid being around sick people and kept hand santizers with me at all times. I didn't even want to hug my niece and nephews because let's face it, kids are germ factories.

I forced myself to get over that fear that I could get meningitis from anybody or anything at anytime. I realized I didn't have any control over it and if it happens again, it just happens. I thought I was okay with it. Until now..

Yesterday morning I woke up with a cold. sore throat, runny nose, fever. Immediately my fears came rushing back at me. I calmed myself after reviewing my symptoms and reminded myself that it's just a cold. Then later in the day, I had an upset stomach and a headache and a sore neck, just like I did with the meningitis. I took my temperature constantly yesterday. Even this morning, first thing I did was take my temperature and make sure I could move my neck alright.

I took yesterday off from work but I’m at work now for a half day. As I write this, I’m wishing I had my thermometer with me. A normal temp for me is 96 degrees. When I had meningitis, my temp soared to 102. Yesterday, it was 98.1. so I had a small fever yesterday. Today, no fever but still I want that thermometer to be sure. lol

I hate having this fear that I'll get meningitis again. I don't wish that sickness on anybody. When I had it, I was literally out of my mind. I remember bits and pieces of that time but what I do remember, I don't like. If it had just attacked my body, I wouldn't still be afraid. It's the fact that it attacked my mind too. I don't want to lose my mind again.

I haven't told my parents that I have a cold because they share the same fears I do. I am still fighting my fears. I know that a majority of the people who had Viral Meningitis never get it again but I know people who have had it more than once. And since I'm soooooo lucky to have a screwed up immune system, chances are I'll get it again.

So I am struggling with my own fears today and the fears will probably always come up whenever I get a cold or something else And that makes me sad. I need to learn to deal with this. Since I'm taking a half day from work, I am going to go to the grocery store on my way home and get some medicine and try not to think about the germs on the shopping carts.