What is the point

I hate when sadness rears it's ugly head. I'm down in the dumps and I can see where this feeling will take me. I have been holding it off for a while now, trying not to let it consume me. I think I'm failing.

I tell myself to think of brighter things, silver linings and all that. then I think, "What's the point?" Why struggle as hard as I am to pay bills? What is the point of it? Another one will just fill it's place. Why strive to be happy when there is that inevitable thing to drag you down into the darkness? Why bother taking medicine to take away the physical pain I feel on a daily basis when it will always be there for the rest of my life? Why quit smoking and eat healthy to extend my life when to be truthful, that is not what I want?

I know I have a better life than a lot of people. I know how lucky I am. that does not take away from the despair that I feel. I don't like it but I can't always stop it. The sadness has come for me like a theif in the night to make me wallow in my own doubts.

You may think I'm over the top. But I'm not. I've been here before. I know this feeling. I know I should ask my doctor for antidepressants. But what's the point? something will always bring me down and make me feel like I'm drowning in my own emotions and thoughts.

Let me tell you something about myself, if indeed anybody reads my blog, this may be a shock to some people. I have only told a select precious few people this thing.

In 1993, I had a nervous breakdown. I saw a psychiatrist 3 times a week for months. He diagnosed me with chronic depression and said I've probably been this way since childhood. I revealed to the shrink my thoughts that I never told anybody. He knew how bad off I was. He made me promise him that I wouldn't attempt suicide. I promised him and I broke that promise. Yes, on July 26th, 1993, I attempted suicide. Nobody in my family had ever seen a shrink before, let a lone do what I had done. so it was a quite a shock to my family.

Obviously, I lived through it. I often think back on those dark times of my life and do I regret it? No. I know that will be a shock to a lot of people. I can honestly say I do not regret it. The whole experience changed me and for the better. It changed my way of thinking. It changed my personality. It changed ME.

When I think back upon the experience when I am feeling low and depressed as I am, I know I will rise above it in time. I don't see myself ever attempting suicide again. No matter how depressed I get. I know it won't happen. It may be odd but it gives me comfort.

I may cry, I may weep and curse my pains and life. But I will live through it and endure for this is who I am. Do not worry for me, or weep for me. I do that enough. I will go on struggling to pay bills. I will go on working even though I wish I could curl up into a ball and weep. I will live my life for I have no other choice.

I have not cried today. That is suprising to me. I don't think I'll cry at all. What would be the point? I typed this post up to vent, and get things out of my head. If you read it, I thank you. But don't worry about me. I will live. I will work and I will play. I will laugh again someday. I may cry again too. Just not today. What would be the point of either?