Youcaring: Donate please! Fundraiser help

I don't know if I still get any readers but I'm putting this here anyway. Please help and share!

Urgent!! I need a lot of money but donate what you can! Help Katie with Disability Expenses #crowdfunding #YouCaring #arthritis #RASucks #Help #fundraising
https://t.co/Yg8YIS6c0M via @youcaring

— Katie DesChenes (@KDinColorado) November 14, 2017

Cleaning when you hurt

I have rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis and maybe even a touch of psoriatic arthritis.   What does that mean?  It means, I'm fatigued (imagine not sleeping for 72 hours.  that's how I feel all the time).  I have no energy at all.  and I'm in pain. A lot of pain most of the day.    I'm on medications but so far, they aren't helping.   So I resort to ibuprofen which isn't exactly good for you.  

Anyways, being in so much pain and so fatigued means my apartment is a mess.   Just standing and doing dishes for 10 minutes hurts like hell.    I just spent the last 10 minutes picking up small items off the floor or table and either throwing them away or putting them away.  The cost of that 10 minutes?  My back is screaming at me, my knees are cursing at me and body is craving caffeine to be injected through an IV.  

I have groceries to be put away (thank God there's grocery delivery).  I have to dust some more.  and I have a ton of shit to throw out. And that's just day to day stuff.  I also need to declutter my apartment to make it easier to clean and put things away.  My dinning room table collects the mail and other papers so I need to go through that. I have empty boxes to throw out. I have to vacuum and let's not even look at the kitchen floor. Plus, I really need to go through my clothes and get rid of a ton of stuff I don't wear.

The problem is the pain.  I have referrals in to see the orthopedic clinic and even a spine pain clinic.   so eventually, I hope to get help for the pain.  Until then, I need to come up with a plan of attack for the apartment.  I need to work in 5 to 10 minute breaks or learn to do stuff while sitting on my wheeled walker that has a built in seat. I also need to pick up a reacher grabber thingy.    I tried looking online for tips for cleaning while disabled but didn't find what I needed.

so Here's my plan:  

• clean 5 to 10 minutes.  Rest until pain lets up (probably a half hour or more).   then clean for another 5 to 10 minutes.   
• Don't make repeat trips.  Condense the trips.   Throw away stuff while you are on the way to put things away.  
• Also, maybe don't leave an area until you've done all you can do in that area. 
• Carry around a plastic grocery bag to put trash in, instead of walking back to the kitchen to throw stuff away. 
• Save bigger tasks for good days.  I can't vacuum today.  back hurts too much.  Don't try to vacuum the whole apartment at once either. 
• Sit as much as I can.   If something can be done while sitting, drag a chair over and do it.  

yea, that's my plan so far of just what I thought of in the past 20 minutes.    Moral of all this...  Pain sucks.  I may not look like I'm in pain (I hide it well.) but I'm miserable.   and yet, I still have to clean.  ugh..

Stress

 I was laid off of work for the first time ever. My last day was February 29th.  I've been panicky, depressed, angry, and stressed.  Stress is not good for my rheumatoid arthritis.  So yes, I was in pain too.  Probably more so than usual.  

When you are in pain every day, you learn to brush it off or hide it so others don't realize you're hurting.  I hide it very well and even manage to fool myself into thinking it's not that bad.  I didn't realize how much I fooled myself until I started to focusing on the symptoms.  

On Monday the 7th, I started a log .   It's just an excel spreadsheet where I list basic activities, pain level, where it hurts, etc.  

I only have four days worth of stuff and already it's made me think.  When you have to rate your pain level, it makes you ask yourself, why didn't I say anything sooner?  or Why didn't I get help?   Because I've learned to hide the pain, the fatigue, and all the other crap on a day to day basis.  With work, I always had something to distract me from how crappy I felt. Since I'm not working, well... no distractions and a lot of thinking.  Self realization.  

The thought of finding another job is scary.  it's terrifying to me.  I haven't had a job interview in nearly 18 years. I'm sure that it's normal to be scared and intimidated over the thought of looking for another job, getting those interviews. 

But I realized something else.   What is making me panic and stress is the thought of having to walk in a huge office.  How many steps to the bathroom?  What's the shortest route to the bathroom?  Would I be allowed to take frequent breaks?  Because I can't stay seated behind a desk for more than hour or my legs hurt and get stiff.  If I can't take frequent breaks, would my future boss think it's okay to wander around my cube or just to stand for a few minutes.  Speaking of standing, I can't stand longer than a half hour or my poor feet hurt worse. 

so yea, I have those thoughts going on.   The symptom log I started has made me realize that I shouldn't be hiding what Rheumatoid Arthritis is doing to me.  I haven't seen a rheumatologist in years and that's biting me in the ass now.  Why haven't I seen a RA doc?  Because I have had horrible luck with them and the medications they put you on are insane.   I know I have to find an RA Doc once my health insurance is figured out but I just hope he's going to listen to me. 

I won't go into my reason about why I don't like the medications or my history with RA docs. You can see my post from last year by clicking here.  So now, I need to find a rheumatologist who will listen to me and help me and that might take a while. 

Wish me luck!

Help me!

I have had  go fund me page active for a month and no donations yet.  I'm hoping i can keep it active. If not, I'll just keep creating a new one.   so here ya go.   Click on the link below to help me out!

https://www.gofundme.com/publishmeplease

Howdy all!

Hello to all new visitors.  If you are new here, let me tell about this blog.  I named this blog The Dream Writer because I am a writer who has wacky dreams. I try to post here often but sometimes forget or can't think of anything good to post.  However, I've decided I'm going to post here whether it's good or not. Lucky you. LOL

First, a reminder. You can see past posts by clicking on the Blog Archive section or by clicking on words in the Labels section to the right.  If you click on the labels called Poem, you'll see all my posts with poems in them.  If you click on Dream, you'll see all my posts about my dreams. You get the idea.  

Now on to a dream I had last night.  

The dream starts with me watching TV.  only thing I remember seeing on the tv is seeing a commercial.  It’s a man and a woman skiing down a mountain.  They are wearing matching ski pants and bras.  yes, the man was wearing a bra.  O.o     Then the dream jumps.  I had snuck in to an auditorium filled with a ton of people.  It had stadium seating around 3 walls.  They ushered one woman out who wasn’t supposed to be there so I kind of sank down in my seat.   The woman next to me was standing and trying to calm everybody down because they were angry somebody had snuck in.  I look up at the woman and it’s Ellen DeGeneres.  She sees me trying to be invisible and sits down while she says:

“Oh, you can stay.  Don’t worry. It was just that woman who couldn’t.   You’ll need to turn off your phone though.  We don’t allow those in here.”  

I fumble with my phone and a notebook. “Can I write down stuff?”

“Oh sure. just turn off the phone.”  

I manage to find the mute switch and turn it off.   The phone in turn calls me Bitch repeatedly before shutting up. Ellen looks at it and then at me  “Did it just call you a bitch?”

my mouth hangs open a bit, “Yea I guess it did.”  

And then I woke up.  oooooooooook

The Next Step & ramblings

I need to contact a few book cover designers and at least get some quotes. But I'm hesitant to do anything because of money.   While I know I have the money in the account, that money could be used for other much needed things.  I need new glasses and to get my eyes checked. I need my bottom teeth worked on which is going to cost a shitload.  I just need too many things.   It sucks.  

I have a couple websites saved that list the steps of self publishing a book.  They have helped me a lot so far.  However, the links mostly talk about ebooks and while that's good, I want to do both.  I want to publish an ebook but I also want a paper back book that I can hold in my hands.  I'll probably use create space for that part.  So I need a step by step guide that says what to do when doing both ebook and paper back.   Actually, I want somebody to hold my hand and dummy it all down for me. lol   

I work full time, 45 hours a week. I don't have kids and I'm single which means I have a lot of free time to do everything that's needed.  However, I also have health issues that limit what I can do.  You try working full time, writing books and doing this publishing stuff when you're too tired to do anything and just want to sit and stare.  It's not easy but I'm doing it.

I'm going the self publishing route for the following reasons:

1. I don't have put up with rejection letters from agents or publishers who think I'm crap
2. I don't have deadlines where I have to have something done by a certain date.  I follow my own schedule and do what I can, when I can.
3. I control what my books say and how they go.  I know some editors and publishers want more details, cut down on details, change this, change that.   ummm.... No.  I have my book the way I want it.
4. I'm new at all this stuff and while I may have more to do by doing this, I have more control.
5. I'm tired.  I can't think of any more reasons but you know what? That's okay because it's my decision. 

I guess I typed out the list to remind myself that any pressure I feel is my own doing.  I don't have a schedule to keep.  Do I want my book published in the next month?  Hell, yes!!   If it doesn't happen yet and gets pushed to later this year, that's ok.  My book.  My timeline.

About Me

Since I am working on getting my first book published, I thought I'd write up an "about me" page.  Below is what I have so far.   Everybody is free to suggest something to add.   Also, eventually, I will have an author page on Facebook.  In the short description for the about me section, I need something to write there.   A friend suggested "Katie loves to write paranormal romance while surrounded by her Supernatural Funko-Pops and Tarot decks."  Which is all true.   I suggested "Katie loves to write paranormal romance while surrounded by her geeky toys and Tarot decks."   only because geeky toys includes a variety of stuff from light sabers, stuff animals, supernatural pop toys, supernatural spirit board, miniature crap and lots of other stuff. 

I'll go ahead and create an about me page but below is what I'll have on it for now.



About Me

My oldest dream was to see my name on a book cover.   I believe it started when I was in the fifth grade and the teacher taught us about poems.  Our assignment was to write several different poems (using the different styles) and create a drawing for each poem.  I enjoyed doing that so much that I wanted do more.  So my hope was that I would someday have a book published, containing poems that I’ve written. At the time, I didn’t think I could write a story by myself. I guess my brain wasn’t ready for it yet.  That didn’t come until the eighth grade where the English teacher asked me to join the creative writing club.  She also had a guest author in class one day. I wish I could remember his name but one piece of advice he gave was to write what you enjoy reading about.  If you like ghost stories, write a ghost story.  If you like romance, write about romance.  Write what you like because if you don’t, then writing will become a chore and you’ll come to hate it. 

For that reason, I write paranormal romance novels.  I love that genre so much because it includes such a wide variety of topics.  Nowhere else could the hero be a tormented shifter/vampire/ghost/fairy, etc and the heroine could do whatever the hell she wants.   So I strived to create stories people would like.  I’ve written countless books and up ‘til now, none of them have been published.   

Enough babbling.  Here are some facts about me.  I’m single, in my mid-forties and work full time as one of the helpdesks that involves software and helping sort out issues.   Also, I have rheumatoid arthritis which is a painful disease involving the joints that disables a lot of people.   I consider myself lucky that I can work and I can still type and do what I love.   

Ramblings about Health

I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and hypothyroidism.    Both cause fatigue and aches and pains and I usually don't know which disease is causing what.   I've had Rheumatoid Arthritis for about 17 or 18 years now.   You know what I hate the most about R.A?   Surprisingly, it's not the pain.  It's the lack of energy and the fatigue that makes you feel like you could drop right where you're standing.   I've been told I have a high tolerance for pain and I guess with this disease, I'd have to.  I have days where I can barely walk because the pain is so bad.  I couldn't imagine if somebody without that high tolerance spent one day in my shoes.  

I work full time.  I have canes everywhere. One in my car, one at my desk at work, and more at home. Problem is that the cane rarely helps.   On the days when I need the cane most, I'm usually having an issue with my fingers, my hands or my wrists.  Hell, even my elbows too.  And that makes it hard to hold and use a cane.   

Now for the complaints...  If you go to a rheumatologist, first thing they'll do is tell you you're too fat and you need to lose weight.  Then they'll give you prednisone which is a steroid and makes you eat constantly and gain weight.  Where's the logic in that?     Then they'll give you medicines that lower your immune system so that's almost non-existent.   Now, if I wasn't around people all the time, I might be okay with that.  But I work in an office where people come in sick all the time. Hell, a few years ago, somebody had a cold or some respiratory funk but when it got to me, it turned in viral meningitis because of how screwed up my immune system is.  And doctors want me to lower my immune system voluntarily so I am at greater risk of getting sick and catching every germ work people have?   Yea, that's not happening.   Also, it has been my experience that these doctors won't give you pain medication because they want the arthritis drugs to do their thing.  so you end up in pain anyway.  

So in my opinion, rheumatologists suck.  They don't know what they're doing.  I've had them tell me "If you lose all that weight, you'll feel better."  Bullshit. I've lost the weight before. I got down to 170 something.  I was still in pain daily.    Which is I haven't seen a rheumatologist in years.   They give you drugs to make you fat, to get rid of your immune system and they insult you.  So yea, I have a problem with them.  

Now, I have a physical on Monday and I haven't had one in years because my previous doctor let me lapse on them. I was seeing her constantly for the thyroid issues before.  But this doc won't let me get by it.  I'm prepping for what she'll say.   She'll say I'm fat and I need to lose weight. I'll tell her about the R.A. and fatigue and no energy and pain, she'll give me a list of rheumatologists so I can go see one.   She'll probably put me on blood pressure medicine because I know my blood pressure will sky rocket just from being there.  

I digress....  the point of this post was that I'm tired of this disease.  if I get treated, I'll be put on drugs I don't agree with.  If I don't get it treated, I continue on as I am and potentially hear my doctor complain to me. 

The scientists and doctors need to come up with a different way to treat auto-immune diseases.  Stopping and/or lowering your immune system is not helpful in my opinion.   if I took the drugs they want me to, sure, my R.A.  might be better but then I'll be open to every germ, every cold, every type of flu, have the possibility to get meningitis again.  And that's not going to happen.  Meningitis terrified me.  It wasn't life threatening or anything.  It made me lose my mind.  and I won't go through that again.  so I deal with the pain of R.A. 

so yes, I have Rheumatoid Arthritis.  but I also work full time and I also have written like 7 or 8 books and countless poems, not to mention the countless books in progress (none of it published).  And I have this blog which I don't keep active as much I'd like.  so if I have any readers out there who wonder why I don't post often enough, now you know why. 

If you've read this far, well, I'm sorry this sort of turned into a bitch fest.  I just wanted to explain things and get thoughts written down..

Numb

You know that song Numb by Linkin Park? I can relate to that. Bear with me while I describe why.

Picture two versions of me. One happy, go lucky, cheery person. The other a down, depressed, very blue person. Now picture those two version of me singing this song to each other.


I'm tired of being what you want me to be << Depressed me
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface << Depressed me
Don't know what you're expecting of me << Depressed me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes << Depressed me
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you << Depressed me
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there << Depressed me
Become so tired, so much more aware << Depressed me
I'm becoming this, all I want to do << Happy Me
Is be more like me and be less like you << Happy Me

Can't you see that you're smothering me, << Happy Me
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control? << Happy Me
'Cause everything that you thought I would be << Happy Me
Has fallen apart right in front of you. << Happy Me
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you. << Depressed me
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take. << Depressed me


This is how I feel a lot of the time. Two versions of me, with the happy me struggling to come to take over. two versions of me battling each other. Which version will be the victor? Which version will be the loser? I don't know anymore. I've become so numb...

Happy Monday!

Hello all! Today, I'm writing from work. Yup, first day back at work today. I have been here a little over 2 hours and I think I'm caught up already. I'm tired already too and I know I'll be exhausted by the time I get home tonight. I am glad to be back at work though. Being at home is nice but I don't know if I could do it all the time. I'd love to find out though. So if anybody has a lot of money just laying around, give it to me. Pay me to stay home and write and do whatever I want. lol

yea, I know. wishful thinking. Once I get back to my usual work and sleep schedule, I'll post more often here. Maybe post a couple of dreams too.

Until then.. Ta Ta

Hi folks! I had an adventure

Sorry for not writing here this week. I had an adventure. This is a long post so pull up a chair.

I guess it started last thursday with stomach pain. The pain grew and grew until I was sick early sunday morning. I wasn't eating, not drinking enough, and in a lot of pain. By sunday night, I told my boss that I was going to try and get into see my doctor monday or go to the ER. I lucked out and got an appointment with a doc 9:30 on monday. She examined me and suggested Diverticulitis and sent me to get blood work and a cat scan right after my apointment. After the Cat scan, I was to wait there while the docs went over the results. The good news was that it wasn't diverticulitis. The bad news was that I had pancreatitis and it was bad. I went from the cat scan building, walked to the main hospital right to admission. Yup, I was admitted to the hospital.

I had more blood work done, was given Morphine Dilauded (medicine from God, I swear!) and made comfy in a bed. now time seems to get messed up a bit, so not sure which day exactly. lol I think monday Night, I had an xray of abdomen. Oh, I was really dehydrated too so finding a vein for the I.V. was fun. Tuesday, I had a type of MRI done. The mri showed that I had gall stones and the gall bladder needed to come out.

Surgery was scheduled for Wednesday at 3 and the nurses, surgeon assistant, anithesiologist and his assistant were all great in comforting me. They made me laugh a lot. I went into my first surgery ever. I remember scooting over onto the gurney and getting my arms strapped on the things. I remember them putting an oxygen mask on me and the anethesiologist (geez, i can't spell that word) told me to enjoy the trip. lol that was the last thing I remember.

After the surgery, I tried to talk, found I could only whisper no matter how hard I tried. My first word after surgery was parents. they didn't understand me so I croaked out Mom and Dad. found out they were waiting for me in my new post op room. Breathing really sucked right out of surgery, I panicked a little but as i breathed more, I relaxed. It was a bit scary for me. I had laproscopic surgery on my belly. they removed the gall bladder and said it looked like it was messed up for a while now. so yea, time to get rid of it.

I was discharged today and now I'm home, and after this post, I'll relax. My belly looks like it went through a war. I have bruises everywhere. Including where they put needles in my belly for medicine to stop blood clots.

Now a lot people immediately think that diet is why gall bladder goes bad. However, I asked the surgeon if gall bladder issues are inherited and he said yes. Mom had her gall bladder out. Her grandmother had her gall bladder removed. It's family history. The doc also said I can go back to whatever I was eating before. not that a lot people will care about that.

I did go to the store today about sandwich stuff and actually bought a salad kit. I did eat a fruit cup earlier. I think they were oranges. now I'm going to find something to eat that doesn't require a lot of effort. Then, I'm going to veg out in my recliner and relax. Maybe I'll read up on recommended diets for gall bladder removal stuff.

This was only my second hospital stay in my life and it was my first surgery. I went through a lot of emotions. I was scared, I cried, I laughed, and dozed. Also gave my parents guilt trips when they'd leave after visiting me in the hospital. You know, just had to do it. lol

Anyways, one week after a small stomach ache started, I sit here minus one gall bladder and with many many bruises and sore spots. Moral to the story, Do not put off seeing a doctor if you have a stomach ache.

I could probably type a lot of stuff here but I'll leave it now.. time to relax and enjoy my first night home..

Rough Days

When I originally started this blog, I was going to use it solely to show off my weird dreams and poetry and writing junk like that.  It was going to be a place free from my health issues.  As the years have gone by, I have posted a couple of health related things and rants and junk like that.   I still want to keep this blog mainly for my musings, dreams, and stuff related to writing.   However, I need a place to vent as well.   A place where I can post my thoughts, free from judgments and idiots and stress.   This is my blog.  I don't post things to amuse you. I do it to amuse myself and also to get things out there in the universe.   You are free to skip these kind of posts if you want.  There are labels to the right of your screen and you can click on a word to take you to posts related to that word.   Or, you can just go away.   lol  

 

Now on to what's bugging me today.   I started the day in a not so good mood (for unknown reason).  It was made worse when I found my package is stuck in Kentucky because it missed it's connection.  grrr.  Then I was asked stupid questions at work.  Stupid questions are nothing new but today they irritated me.  Then, after coming in from a break outside, my left foot decided to cramp up and just hurt for the hell of it.  I could barely walk back to my desk it hurt so badly. I was near tears, but I made it to my desk.  Once I sat down, the pain magically went away.  I relaxed a bit and then half hour later, I stood up, took 2 steps, the pain was back in my left foot.  Oh, but wait, the right knee and right hand decided to hurt too.   And let's not discuss the fact that my right elbow has been hurting all week making use of that arm near impossible. 

 

My foot pain is still there but has dwindled some.  It better go away before I get off work because I really have to go grocery shopping.  I'm out of everything.   if  the pain is still there, I'll still go shopping but only get what I can't do without for a couple of days like dry cat food, soap, something for dinner and lunch tomorrow.

 

I've been taking a new multivitamin for almost a week now.  I thought maybe it would help with the Rheumatoid Arthritis symptoms but haven't noticed anything yet.   But that's okay.  I didn't expect anything to happen yet.   But maybe it will help with the Fatigue, that's my biggest issue. 

 

I haven't written anything in my books since April 25th.  Mainly because I have been so tired and in pain.  I hate it.  Also, while I am dreaming, I haven't been remembering my dreams lately.    That may be because I have been so tired.  Who knows...  

 

I have been thinking of reposting some of my poems with the pictures I made for them.  I have them saved.   maybe doing that will get me writing again.   I have to get back to work, duty calls.      As always, thanks for reading!

 

Pain, Emotions and a Confession

I've had a crappy weekend. All weekend, I've been in pain, extreme fatigue and depressed all because of the Rheumatoid Arthritis. I've also come to realize that people either don't care or don't believe how bad it can get. I can't make them believe but I can list what hurts at the moment.

• both feet



• left ankle



• left knee



• both hands (and all fingers)



• right wrist



• right elbow

Sad to say, this isn't as terrible as I've felt before. Hell, just yesterday, it was all of the above and right knee and left wrist and a headache. Now, throw on top of that, fatigue. I'm not talking about "gee, I feel tired today". I'm talking about, you are so tired that you can't seem to do anything but watch tv. Other people would take a nap but I've never been one for naps. Only time I really napped every day was after I got home from the hospital 3 years ago. Also, add to it the sadness from depression and from living with this for as long as I have.

I know when people hear the word arthritis, they think of the more common form, osteo-arthritis and that's no bid deal. While I probably do have that too, I'm not talking about that. I will not tell people I have arthritis. I tell them I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I know I don't act sick when you see at me work or other places. That's because I have learned to mask my feelings and pain. Why mask them? Because I don't know how to deal with it. I also don't use a cane because that wouldn't let me mask my pain, would it?

Yup, that's my big confession. I don't know how to deal with the depression brought on by stress and this illness. I don't know how to deal with the pain that I feel every day. So I pretend. I may take some ibuprofen or tylenol or something, but that's about it. I pretend it doesn't exist. It must be helping, right? I mean, I've had Rheumatoid Arthritis for 14 years.

Lately, I've been trying to be more "vocal" about things. I'm not succeeding. You want a hint about how I'm feeling? Check my facebook page, I haven't put a status update in a few days. I haven't replied to as many people's posts as usual or said much on facebook. I closed myself off.

Something happened yesterday. Somebody said something to me that made me cry. I won't go into details but I cried a lot. I still get choked up thinking about it and my response to that person. Now I have always tried to find a bright side of every situation. I guess the bright side of this is that I found out how people feel about me. No more guessing about it. I know.

That thing that happened yesterday did make me realize something. A lot of people may not believe that I am truly in pain, sad, fatigued, etc because I have pretended that I'm not. It's my fault. People ask me how I'm doing. I say I'm okay. even when I'm not okay, it's what I say. So, it's all my fault.

Now, let me clarify something. I am depressed but I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I'm just sad. I am allowed to be sad. After all, I work full time with this facade of being okay. I am allowing myself to be sad. I am not pretending right now. That's why I'm typing this up. I'm putting this out there in case people do actually stop by and read here. I'm also typing this up for my own benefit. Self prescribed therapy, if you will.

Tomorrow, I will take a spare cane to work with me. Just so I have it in my cube. I think that will be a bit of therapy in itself. Small steps right? those are the only steps I can take right now.

Edited to add clarification: I have posted facebook status' but they do not say how I feel. I mean, I posted a quick poem on Thursday, where I was saturday morning, but when was the last time I put a feeling on facebook?

Breaking news!

Breaking news! A new epidemic is hitting the state today. A vivacious young woman in Parker started yawning this morning and has not stopped. The yawning appears to be contagious and soon spread to people around her. Soon, the entire office where the woman works was yawning. The epidemic did not stop there. Many traffic accidents kept the police busy today as drivers who kept yawning, rear ended other cars or ran stop lights.

We were unable to reach the Center of Disease Control, nor anybody in the original office for comment due to the amount ~yawn~ of yawwwwwwwwning...More news ~yawn~ as it becomes ~ available.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Soooooooooooooooo

What's up? not much with me.. getting over Bronchitis, haven't written much this month, I have had a couple of dreams but I didn't "hold" on to them. oh, I know, I can talk about holding on to dreams. No, not the dreams like "My dream is to the win lottery". I mean dreams you have when you sleep.

Okay, so... let's see if I can explain it. Let's say I had a weird dream, if I wake up right after that weird dream, I think of that dream as something I can grab. I hold on to it. sometimes, I go over the details in my head as I get something to write with it to get it all down. Think of the dream as a pencil. It's solid, you can grab on to it. Now the next time you pick up a pencil, are you going to think of it as a pencil or the last dream you had and be able to recall the details.

I know a lot of people just say go over the details in you head as soon as you wake up and write it down. Sometimes that doesn't work for me. Hell, I sometimes don't write the dream down until hours later when I'm at work. Why? Because I held on to it. I grabbed it.

Yes, it's an odd concept and it probably won't work for a anybody else. It works for me. How is it that I can't remember maps and crap from a game I play all the freaking time but I can remember details from a dream I had years or months ago (like me carrying a semi-automatic with my siblings and we were searching for our parents in the burning ruins of Denver... hmm maybe I didn't share that one lol)? Maybe because I love my dreams... a lot. Even the bad ones. I hold on to all my dreams and I don't chase them. yea.. I know... I'm weird but you knew that already

Thoughts of Writing

As I sit here at work, I think about writing. I should be working and yet, I'm thinking of where I want the story in my book to go. I'm thinking of the characters and what I want or don't want. I'm even thinking of rewriting my first book and changing it to go a different direction. I wish I could be motivated to write at home. I know I should, but when I'm done with work for the day, it's like my brain shuts off and I can't think anymore. I know if I didn't have to work all day, I could write whenever I wanted and probably have this book done by now and working on another book.

I'm sure many authors start out the same as me but websites I've found about writing, all say it's about discipline. You have to discipline yourself to writing a certain amount of pages per day, and for a certain amount of time per day. How can I do that, when I work all day and in the evenings at home, my brain is gone for the day? So if I want to keep writing, I either have to force my brain to think after hours or continue writing at work.

I don't think I can be the disciplined type. I write when inspiration strikes me. I don't write out plans of what I want the next chapter to be, it is all in my head. I have nothing written down at all about my book. When I do write at work, I open up the file, reread what I last wrote, and just start typing. Why can't I do that at home? Sure, I do write when I'm at home but 95% of the time, it's on weekends or days off when no prior thinking was required. LOL

Other thoughts of writing include publishing. I would love to be published someday. I even bought the big book last year that has all the publishing companies for all the genres and also lists agents. I have researched self-publishing as well and that seems an easier way to go if you have the money to get it done. I have never talked to an agent about my writing because whenever I think about it, I start to doubt my work. Nobody will read what I write, no publisher will ever agree to put my books in print. It's all a waste of time. I know, I know. I shouldn't think like that but come on, can you blame me?

I write for the sheer joy of writing. I love it! Even as I write this, I have my book file open and I'm thinking of the next chapter. I don't know when I'll talk to an agent about my books, I don't know when I'll get published. It will happen someday. Hey, maybe I'll get lucky and an agent will read this and help. Hey, I can dream, right?

To end this post, I'll share an old poem with you... Enjoy!


Blank Pages

I can feel the pull of a blank page when it's in front of me.
Beckoning me to set my pen upon it and set myself free.
The will to write is strong, overpowering all thought
But the feeling is of a loss of a battle not fought.
The urge to let the ink flow overtakes my mind
I can think of nothing else, only the pages that blind
The crisp clean blue lines upon the paper of white
Taunt me with their very existence, and put up a fight.
The pages are unwilling to be blank for very long.
They beseech me to fill them with a writer’s song.
I break free from the chains that bind my hands.
And write a simple poem to send throughout the lands.
It’s not the best I’ve written, but it’s a start.
A poem of writing that comes from the heart.

Katherine DesChenes December 14, 2007

Lack of Writing

Hello all! Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while but I haven't had much to post. I have been too tired during the day and just haven't felt very creative. I'm hoping that's going to change soon.

I did some research online and read some people have felt better by taking their thyroid medication at night instead of in the morning as recommended by doctors. So last Monday, I started taking mine at night. I know I had taken it at night before but I can't recall if I noticed a difference or not. This time, since I am paying more attention to it, I think I am noticing a difference. It has only been 4 days since I switched times but this morning, I woke up in a better mood, I played with my cat around the apartment and I am actually warmer today even tough it's only 36F outside. I also noticed that yesterday, my temperature has gone up to a more normal temperature. It was 98.1 at the doctor's office yesterday and I know I don't have a fever. I think I have been sleeping better as well. I will continue to take my thyroid meds at night and see what happens.

I am also wondering if switching the time of day I take my medicine has effected my creativity a bit. Last night before I went to sleep, I found myself thinking about my book in progress and the scene I stopped writing at. I started thinking about where the scene is going and wondering if I want it to go that direction. Even as I work today, I find my mind drifting back to my book in progress.

Now I am curious and really wish I could remember how I felt the last time I took my meds at night. Was I more energetic? Did I feel less fatigue? Did I write more and have more thoughts?

Time will tell, I guess. As for today, I will open up my file and reread the last chapter I wrote and think about rewriting it or keeping it.

Thanks to all who read and don't forget, comments are open so that anybody can comment.

A Rant, A vent and a whimper

I don't normally use this blog for ranting. I tried to save it for my writing and my weird dreams. However, I think I need to do some writing of a different kind.

A normal day for me is the fatigue with a joint or four hurting. It's not the pain of Rheumatoid Arthritis that gets to me, it's the fatigue. Fatigue is the biggest part in my book of Rheumatoid Arthritis. Now I also have hypothyroidism and fatigue is a side effect of that too. So I get it two fold and it sucks big time. I really hate it. Most days, I don't know how I get through a work day at all. but I do it. I work full time at an office and some days I do a lot of walking somehow. Other days, I can't seem to move from my desk. Somebody have caffeine to help them out but not me. I don’t get that awake feeling that other people get. I wish I did.

Sad to say that those are normal days for me. Now add to it a cold. If a normal person gets a cold, they'd be annoyed but survive the days. I have a cold on top of my fatigue and I'm just dragging... more so than usual. Runny nose, sore throat, some coughing and sneezing and I dozed off in the chair for a bit because I'm just so tired.

I do get depressed from time to time because this fatigue gets so old after dealing it day in and day out. Today, I actually want to cry and keep crying until somebody tells me it’ll be alright. But it won’t be alright. That’s not a new revelation for me; I’ve always known it won’t be alright. Maybe that’s why I get depressed. Maybe depressed is the wrong word for it, maybe sad is better.

I know a lot of people with my issues and worse are out there living their life and dealing with it. Well good for them, I’m really happy for them. But I’m not them. I’m having a hard time and most people will never know it because I tend to hide things very well. I always have hidden myself from others but I’m slowly changing that… or trying to.

Tonight, just for tonight, I’m going to cry a bit and wait for better days. So I’ll go, take my cold and my issues and sit in the recliner and cry and just let it out. It’s been a while since I’ve done that.

Lack of posting

Geez, has it really been a whole month since I blogged? Wow. Sorry about that. Hope you guys haven't abandoned me. lol

I haven't written in my book for a while either. This past month, I've felt so fatigued and it's hard to be creative when you are so damn tired. But, I'm awaiting blood test results from my doctor and I have a feeling that she'll increase my thyroid dosage. Maybe that will help with this fatigue.

I'll try to post more things for you to read. Until then... See ya!

Happy Birthday to me

Wellm I'm 37 years old today. Mentally, I very much feel like a teenager, complete with selfishness, rebelions, depressions, and mood swings. Physically, thanks to my arthritis, I feel like I'm 60 years old. Woke up this morning with fingers extremely stiff and sore but that's my own fault. I've been trying to get off the prednisone so only took 2 pills last night. But I took one this morning along with excedrin because of the sore fingers. On the plus side, my legs aren't that much of a problem anymore. My legs still bother me but my fingers and shoulders are worse. I can deal with the leg pains, no problem at all. It used to be, I'd have pain all through my body. While exercise has helped to dimish the leg pain, the pain is not gone completely.

Speaking of exercise, I need to get back on the gazelle today. My goal was to be 150 lbs by today. While I'm not 150, I'm still happy. I am at 159.5lbs today. yes, I lost 74.5 pounds. I have 9.5 more pounds to go to get to my goal. I'd like to try and lose as much of that as I can this week. The 15th is payday and I'll have extra money. Plus, my tax refunds are scheduled to be in my account around that date too. So next weekend, I can actually go shopping. So I want to lose as much weight as I can before then, so I can hope, pray, beg, squeeze into a size 12. At this moment, I don't see size 12 as a possibility. I feel fat. but I'm holding on to a thread of hope that it can happen.

No plans for my birthday. haven't heard from any family members so it looks like I'll be spending it alone. If that is still the case by noon, I'll go to the liquor store and buy myself a treat. Then go to the grocery store and treat myself to a steak. Steak is so darn expensive these days, and I haven't bought any for probably a year now. But It's my birthday and darn it, I'm worth it.

So today, I'll do more writing, exercise, maybe clean up this pig sty I live in and also go to the store. Once I can actually bend my fingers, then I'll get on the gazelle. No use in trying to use the Gazelle when you can't grip the handles. Maybe I'll go soak my fingers in extremely hot (almost burning) water. That always does the trick.

Thank you to my friends who have already wished me a happy birthday. You guys are great and I love ya! That's all from me, see ya on the 'net. Oh, and get up and move! Dance to your own tune and Dance like nobody's watching!