Youcaring: Donate please! Fundraiser help

I don't know if I still get any readers but I'm putting this here anyway. Please help and share!

Urgent!! I need a lot of money but donate what you can! Help Katie with Disability Expenses #crowdfunding #YouCaring #arthritis #RASucks #Help #fundraising
https://t.co/Yg8YIS6c0M via @youcaring

— Katie DesChenes (@KDinColorado) November 14, 2017

Cleaning when you hurt

I have rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis and maybe even a touch of psoriatic arthritis.   What does that mean?  It means, I'm fatigued (imagine not sleeping for 72 hours.  that's how I feel all the time).  I have no energy at all.  and I'm in pain. A lot of pain most of the day.    I'm on medications but so far, they aren't helping.   So I resort to ibuprofen which isn't exactly good for you.  

Anyways, being in so much pain and so fatigued means my apartment is a mess.   Just standing and doing dishes for 10 minutes hurts like hell.    I just spent the last 10 minutes picking up small items off the floor or table and either throwing them away or putting them away.  The cost of that 10 minutes?  My back is screaming at me, my knees are cursing at me and body is craving caffeine to be injected through an IV.  

I have groceries to be put away (thank God there's grocery delivery).  I have to dust some more.  and I have a ton of shit to throw out. And that's just day to day stuff.  I also need to declutter my apartment to make it easier to clean and put things away.  My dinning room table collects the mail and other papers so I need to go through that. I have empty boxes to throw out. I have to vacuum and let's not even look at the kitchen floor. Plus, I really need to go through my clothes and get rid of a ton of stuff I don't wear.

The problem is the pain.  I have referrals in to see the orthopedic clinic and even a spine pain clinic.   so eventually, I hope to get help for the pain.  Until then, I need to come up with a plan of attack for the apartment.  I need to work in 5 to 10 minute breaks or learn to do stuff while sitting on my wheeled walker that has a built in seat. I also need to pick up a reacher grabber thingy.    I tried looking online for tips for cleaning while disabled but didn't find what I needed.

so Here's my plan:  

• clean 5 to 10 minutes.  Rest until pain lets up (probably a half hour or more).   then clean for another 5 to 10 minutes.   
• Don't make repeat trips.  Condense the trips.   Throw away stuff while you are on the way to put things away.  
• Also, maybe don't leave an area until you've done all you can do in that area. 
• Carry around a plastic grocery bag to put trash in, instead of walking back to the kitchen to throw stuff away. 
• Save bigger tasks for good days.  I can't vacuum today.  back hurts too much.  Don't try to vacuum the whole apartment at once either. 
• Sit as much as I can.   If something can be done while sitting, drag a chair over and do it.  

yea, that's my plan so far of just what I thought of in the past 20 minutes.    Moral of all this...  Pain sucks.  I may not look like I'm in pain (I hide it well.) but I'm miserable.   and yet, I still have to clean.  ugh..

Reader check and book update

Is anybody reading my blog?  If so, please comment, just to let me know that you've been here.

Also, for the readers, Since I've been laid off, I've been thinking of my books a lot.  I think I may attempt to publish this year.  I just need to tally the costs and see if I can swing it in my budget.  Unless somebody wants to donate using the go fund me site to the right or click this link (https://www.gofundme.com/publishmeplease)  I may not be able to budget publishing a book.  

However, I read through my old synopsis of my first choice of books to be published and I'm not sure I like it.  I think I need to rewrite it.  What do you folks think?  


The Perfect Time

When an infection hospitalizes Sarah, she begins speaking a strange language.   Sally, her best friend, records what she said and gets it translated with shocking results.   Once Sarah is released from the hospital, her friend tells her about the episodes of her speaking in tongues.   She learns she’s lived before in sixteenth century Scotland and was married to an abusive Laird.  Her 16th century version has secrets that may cause harm to her and the blacksmith known as Tanner.  Little did she know that the choice made in the sixteenth century would have repercussions today.

Genres:  Historical Romance, Past Lives, Romantic Comedy

Stress

 I was laid off of work for the first time ever. My last day was February 29th.  I've been panicky, depressed, angry, and stressed.  Stress is not good for my rheumatoid arthritis.  So yes, I was in pain too.  Probably more so than usual.  

When you are in pain every day, you learn to brush it off or hide it so others don't realize you're hurting.  I hide it very well and even manage to fool myself into thinking it's not that bad.  I didn't realize how much I fooled myself until I started to focusing on the symptoms.  

On Monday the 7th, I started a log .   It's just an excel spreadsheet where I list basic activities, pain level, where it hurts, etc.  

I only have four days worth of stuff and already it's made me think.  When you have to rate your pain level, it makes you ask yourself, why didn't I say anything sooner?  or Why didn't I get help?   Because I've learned to hide the pain, the fatigue, and all the other crap on a day to day basis.  With work, I always had something to distract me from how crappy I felt. Since I'm not working, well... no distractions and a lot of thinking.  Self realization.  

The thought of finding another job is scary.  it's terrifying to me.  I haven't had a job interview in nearly 18 years. I'm sure that it's normal to be scared and intimidated over the thought of looking for another job, getting those interviews. 

But I realized something else.   What is making me panic and stress is the thought of having to walk in a huge office.  How many steps to the bathroom?  What's the shortest route to the bathroom?  Would I be allowed to take frequent breaks?  Because I can't stay seated behind a desk for more than hour or my legs hurt and get stiff.  If I can't take frequent breaks, would my future boss think it's okay to wander around my cube or just to stand for a few minutes.  Speaking of standing, I can't stand longer than a half hour or my poor feet hurt worse. 

so yea, I have those thoughts going on.   The symptom log I started has made me realize that I shouldn't be hiding what Rheumatoid Arthritis is doing to me.  I haven't seen a rheumatologist in years and that's biting me in the ass now.  Why haven't I seen a RA doc?  Because I have had horrible luck with them and the medications they put you on are insane.   I know I have to find an RA Doc once my health insurance is figured out but I just hope he's going to listen to me. 

I won't go into my reason about why I don't like the medications or my history with RA docs. You can see my post from last year by clicking here.  So now, I need to find a rheumatologist who will listen to me and help me and that might take a while. 

Wish me luck!

A plea...

I've seen a lot of good things happen because of Gofundme webpage.  I've seen miracles happen because of it.   I've also seen some greedy people post crap on the page.  

But let me tell you that this one isn't crap. It's not some fake thing with some person only looking for money because they're greedy.  This one is different.  This is my uncle. 

He has had health issues for many years and hasn't work in a long time because of it.   Now, he needs help more than ever.  I ask everybody who reads this to please donate to my uncle.   He needs help.   Spread the word. Get more eyes on it.  Help him.  Please.


http://www.gofundme.com/meybzc

What is the point

I hate when sadness rears it's ugly head. I'm down in the dumps and I can see where this feeling will take me. I have been holding it off for a while now, trying not to let it consume me. I think I'm failing.

I tell myself to think of brighter things, silver linings and all that. then I think, "What's the point?" Why struggle as hard as I am to pay bills? What is the point of it? Another one will just fill it's place. Why strive to be happy when there is that inevitable thing to drag you down into the darkness? Why bother taking medicine to take away the physical pain I feel on a daily basis when it will always be there for the rest of my life? Why quit smoking and eat healthy to extend my life when to be truthful, that is not what I want?

I know I have a better life than a lot of people. I know how lucky I am. that does not take away from the despair that I feel. I don't like it but I can't always stop it. The sadness has come for me like a theif in the night to make me wallow in my own doubts.

You may think I'm over the top. But I'm not. I've been here before. I know this feeling. I know I should ask my doctor for antidepressants. But what's the point? something will always bring me down and make me feel like I'm drowning in my own emotions and thoughts.

Let me tell you something about myself, if indeed anybody reads my blog, this may be a shock to some people. I have only told a select precious few people this thing.

In 1993, I had a nervous breakdown. I saw a psychiatrist 3 times a week for months. He diagnosed me with chronic depression and said I've probably been this way since childhood. I revealed to the shrink my thoughts that I never told anybody. He knew how bad off I was. He made me promise him that I wouldn't attempt suicide. I promised him and I broke that promise. Yes, on July 26th, 1993, I attempted suicide. Nobody in my family had ever seen a shrink before, let a lone do what I had done. so it was a quite a shock to my family.

Obviously, I lived through it. I often think back on those dark times of my life and do I regret it? No. I know that will be a shock to a lot of people. I can honestly say I do not regret it. The whole experience changed me and for the better. It changed my way of thinking. It changed my personality. It changed ME.

When I think back upon the experience when I am feeling low and depressed as I am, I know I will rise above it in time. I don't see myself ever attempting suicide again. No matter how depressed I get. I know it won't happen. It may be odd but it gives me comfort.

I may cry, I may weep and curse my pains and life. But I will live through it and endure for this is who I am. Do not worry for me, or weep for me. I do that enough. I will go on struggling to pay bills. I will go on working even though I wish I could curl up into a ball and weep. I will live my life for I have no other choice.

I have not cried today. That is suprising to me. I don't think I'll cry at all. What would be the point? I typed this post up to vent, and get things out of my head. If you read it, I thank you. But don't worry about me. I will live. I will work and I will play. I will laugh again someday. I may cry again too. Just not today. What would be the point of either?

Ramblings and Pet Peeves

Good morning weird people.  Today's post is just little stuff that has been irking me lately (as if I don't have enough stuff to irk me).

 

First off is the Prince's wedding.  Why is this such a big deal?  I didn't care when Diana married the goon, so why should I care that her son is getting married?  I'm pretty much glued to Syfy channel until it's all over with.

 

Secondly... who decided to split up the seasons on TV shows?   I miss the days where the TV Season was September to April or May. Now, they have it so broken up, each channel has their season schedule and sometimes each tv show is different too.  I don't like it.  no sir...

 

I'm also tired of people who think their problems, their wants and needs trumps everybody else's.   What about me? Guess I don't matter to certain people.  

 

On a related note, I'm tired of holding onto things.  Grudges, hurt feelings, anger.     I'm going to try and let it all go.  Not let it bother me any longer.  Easier said than done, I know but I'm going to try.  Because, damn it!  I'm sick of it.  

 

I'm also tired of the pain from the arthritis. I'm not going to see a Rheumatologist just yet. I despise them.  I'm also not going to take drugs that suppress my immune system.  I don't agree with that line of thinking because it opens you up to a whole world of illnesses. So that leaves me with natural remedies.  I am not changing my diet.  I'm sorry but I can't bring myself to cut out every food I like.  If I did that for the R.A. and the hypothyroidism, I'd be eating rice cakes 24/7. blech.  I did look into magnet therapy yesterday.  You can buy bracelets, anklets, and small magnets to tape onto various body parts.  Supposedly, it's suppose to balance things out and help.  not sure how but couldn't hurt to try.  I'm also going to try (once again) to take a multi-vitamin every day.  I'm on day 2.    I remembered to take it 2 whole days in a row!  lol  

 

Let's see what else.  Oh, I'm also pretty sick of rude and bad drivers.   if there's 5 feet between me and the car in front of me, that does not mean you can squeeze your big ass Explorer in there.  dipweed.  And,  here's a tip. if you are in the left hand lane and you need to turn right at the next light, don't cut off everybody and basically go across 3 lanes.   Everybody has to make sure the brakes are good on the cars for people like you.   

 

I think I've rambled on enough.  What irritates you?

Pain, Emotions and a Confession

I've had a crappy weekend. All weekend, I've been in pain, extreme fatigue and depressed all because of the Rheumatoid Arthritis. I've also come to realize that people either don't care or don't believe how bad it can get. I can't make them believe but I can list what hurts at the moment.

• both feet



• left ankle



• left knee



• both hands (and all fingers)



• right wrist



• right elbow

Sad to say, this isn't as terrible as I've felt before. Hell, just yesterday, it was all of the above and right knee and left wrist and a headache. Now, throw on top of that, fatigue. I'm not talking about "gee, I feel tired today". I'm talking about, you are so tired that you can't seem to do anything but watch tv. Other people would take a nap but I've never been one for naps. Only time I really napped every day was after I got home from the hospital 3 years ago. Also, add to it the sadness from depression and from living with this for as long as I have.

I know when people hear the word arthritis, they think of the more common form, osteo-arthritis and that's no bid deal. While I probably do have that too, I'm not talking about that. I will not tell people I have arthritis. I tell them I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I know I don't act sick when you see at me work or other places. That's because I have learned to mask my feelings and pain. Why mask them? Because I don't know how to deal with it. I also don't use a cane because that wouldn't let me mask my pain, would it?

Yup, that's my big confession. I don't know how to deal with the depression brought on by stress and this illness. I don't know how to deal with the pain that I feel every day. So I pretend. I may take some ibuprofen or tylenol or something, but that's about it. I pretend it doesn't exist. It must be helping, right? I mean, I've had Rheumatoid Arthritis for 14 years.

Lately, I've been trying to be more "vocal" about things. I'm not succeeding. You want a hint about how I'm feeling? Check my facebook page, I haven't put a status update in a few days. I haven't replied to as many people's posts as usual or said much on facebook. I closed myself off.

Something happened yesterday. Somebody said something to me that made me cry. I won't go into details but I cried a lot. I still get choked up thinking about it and my response to that person. Now I have always tried to find a bright side of every situation. I guess the bright side of this is that I found out how people feel about me. No more guessing about it. I know.

That thing that happened yesterday did make me realize something. A lot of people may not believe that I am truly in pain, sad, fatigued, etc because I have pretended that I'm not. It's my fault. People ask me how I'm doing. I say I'm okay. even when I'm not okay, it's what I say. So, it's all my fault.

Now, let me clarify something. I am depressed but I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I'm just sad. I am allowed to be sad. After all, I work full time with this facade of being okay. I am allowing myself to be sad. I am not pretending right now. That's why I'm typing this up. I'm putting this out there in case people do actually stop by and read here. I'm also typing this up for my own benefit. Self prescribed therapy, if you will.

Tomorrow, I will take a spare cane to work with me. Just so I have it in my cube. I think that will be a bit of therapy in itself. Small steps right? those are the only steps I can take right now.

Edited to add clarification: I have posted facebook status' but they do not say how I feel. I mean, I posted a quick poem on Thursday, where I was saturday morning, but when was the last time I put a feeling on facebook?

Happiness is....

Happiness is discovering that the abscess has reduced and basically gone away on it's own so I don't have to go to the dentist this week.

Yesterday, I found an abscess on my upper gum near a bad tooth. I knew I had to call a dentist and make an appointment. Sounds easy, right? Well, add in a fear of dentists and the unnatural needles in mouths and what not, and it's not easy anymore. I was dreading it.
Well, I settled on a dentist to call, took a couple advil and went to bed. This morning, the abscess was still there at 5am. I took a couple more advil, rinced my mouth with warm water and strong mouth wash (oh that burned!!!) and by 7am, I thought "am I imaging things or is the abscess smaller?" by 9am, the abscess was gone completely.

So I am happy! I get to put off a trip to the dentist until next week. It was just bad timing this week because I'm swamped at work! and really, that's not just an excuse. just too many things going on at work.

Just thought I'd share a bit of happiness...

Shock to the heart

My mom is having problems getting her medications figured out. Last week, her blood thinner id was 3.9 and it needs to be between 2 and 3. Today, it was 1.5. so, they have to fiddle around with her meds again to get it right. Then, next Tuesday, she has to get a cardioversion done to get her heart back to a normal rhythm. I found this website which has a lot of good information about cardioversion. I always read up on anything medical because it helps me not only to understand what is going on but it makes me feel better as well. Although sometimes, it does cause more stress and worry by reading these things, I still would rather know than not know anything. So I sent that link to my family and also copied one part

"Because of residual effects of the anesthetic medications used, patients are advised not to drive or make any important decisions for the rest of the day. A responsible adult should be available to provide transportation home."

And then I said, "So mom is not allowed to drive or make any decisions and Do we have a responsible adult available? LOL"

I have to include a bit of humor in things otherwise we'd go nuts. I'm stressed enough as it is, so humor helps to ease it a bit.

Just thought I'd give an update to any readers I might have.

Happy Birthday to me

Wellm I'm 37 years old today. Mentally, I very much feel like a teenager, complete with selfishness, rebelions, depressions, and mood swings. Physically, thanks to my arthritis, I feel like I'm 60 years old. Woke up this morning with fingers extremely stiff and sore but that's my own fault. I've been trying to get off the prednisone so only took 2 pills last night. But I took one this morning along with excedrin because of the sore fingers. On the plus side, my legs aren't that much of a problem anymore. My legs still bother me but my fingers and shoulders are worse. I can deal with the leg pains, no problem at all. It used to be, I'd have pain all through my body. While exercise has helped to dimish the leg pain, the pain is not gone completely.

Speaking of exercise, I need to get back on the gazelle today. My goal was to be 150 lbs by today. While I'm not 150, I'm still happy. I am at 159.5lbs today. yes, I lost 74.5 pounds. I have 9.5 more pounds to go to get to my goal. I'd like to try and lose as much of that as I can this week. The 15th is payday and I'll have extra money. Plus, my tax refunds are scheduled to be in my account around that date too. So next weekend, I can actually go shopping. So I want to lose as much weight as I can before then, so I can hope, pray, beg, squeeze into a size 12. At this moment, I don't see size 12 as a possibility. I feel fat. but I'm holding on to a thread of hope that it can happen.

No plans for my birthday. haven't heard from any family members so it looks like I'll be spending it alone. If that is still the case by noon, I'll go to the liquor store and buy myself a treat. Then go to the grocery store and treat myself to a steak. Steak is so darn expensive these days, and I haven't bought any for probably a year now. But It's my birthday and darn it, I'm worth it.

So today, I'll do more writing, exercise, maybe clean up this pig sty I live in and also go to the store. Once I can actually bend my fingers, then I'll get on the gazelle. No use in trying to use the Gazelle when you can't grip the handles. Maybe I'll go soak my fingers in extremely hot (almost burning) water. That always does the trick.

Thank you to my friends who have already wished me a happy birthday. You guys are great and I love ya! That's all from me, see ya on the 'net. Oh, and get up and move! Dance to your own tune and Dance like nobody's watching!

Confidence has escaped me

I'm having a no confidence day today. I try to read something on the internet and get confused, don't understand what I'm reading. A website says they are explaining things in layman's terms and yet, I still don't understand what I'm reading. It makes me feel like an idiot. So I've lost confidence in my mental status.

I had been thinking about treating myself to new shoes this weekend since my one pair of shoes, sneakers, have holes in the top of them. I started thinking about what kind of shoes I'd be able to get. Well, heels are not an option becuase I need something with a lot of cushion in the balls of the feet. Plus, due to my extra wide feet, I can barely find any pair of shoes that fit. So the shoes have to be extra wide. And I have to be able to wear them all day long without foot pain because of my arthritis. So all those factors limit what kind of shoes I can buy. So me spending a day trying on hundred pairs of shoes just to find one pair that fits, does not sound like a treat. So my confidence about shopping is gone.

And besides all that, despite the scale saying 159.5 this morning, I'm feeling fat right now and depressed. I hate my feet. I hate my body. I hate my mental inability to think things through. I was actuall on the verge of tears earlier because I felt so stupid.

To top it off, my birthday is saturday and I'm turning 37. This is going to sound totally selfish but I don't care. Normally, my family has emailed me by now because they want to take me out to dinner or have dinner at their house. Nobody has mentioned a damned thing which is not like them. Did I royally piss them off or something? I will never know because they don't talk about their feelings with me. My family doesn't make it easy to talk to them. Which is why I always write. Whether it's in a private journal or online somewhere. So now, I feel stupid, fat, clown feet, and over emotional. Just lovely..

Oh, I have an idea now. I'll stop at the liquor store tomorrow and get some bloody mary fixings. I have all sorts of liquor here at home (don't know why, since I really don't drink by myself). So maybe that will be my treat to myself. Bloody Marys since I'm so bloody stupid. Yea.. lovely..

If the rare readers I do have, have made it this far... sorry about the negative post but we can't be all sunshine and flowers all the time.