Wow! That's a lot of words!

I think it's funny how some times, I can do days without writing any poetry or writing my books and then other times, i'll write daily for hours. To me, there's no rhyme or reason to it. I just write when i feel like it.

Yesterday, I got to work, did a few work things and opened my book file to read what I wrote last. Then I started writing and besides a few breaks, I didn't stop until I went from work. I probably wrote about 7 hours yesterday and yes, I paid for it. I wrote 7,650 words yesterday and my arthritic fingers felt each one. Still, that's a new record for me.

I guess I'm really getting into this werewolf book. Still haven't come up with a permanent name for it though. The working title is still called Hairball. lol While that's a funny title, I'm thinking that won't stick. I could always call it "The Change" or the Prophesy of the Wolf or something. don't know. Not that important right now. I won't worry about the title until I'm done with the book.

Of course, I'll let you know when I do have a good title for it.

The Beauty Within

Good morning ladies and germs. lol It's going to be another long day in the world of work. Last night, I was in bed trying to get to sleep at a decent hour. From out of nowhere, words started popping into my head. Random words that formed sentences that writers love. I tried my best to set those words aside and go to sleep. Really, I did! But sometimes, the words will not be denied. Lucky for me, I had my ipad on the night stand next to me so I didn't even have to get out of bed.

So, here are the words that invaded my head... Could it be the makings of a short story or yet another book? Time will tell


There once was a girl who lived with pain, worries and sadness. She wished every night that the next day would be better and she'd smile again. She began to dream of a man to help her through her time of need. He would come night after night and free her of her pain. He brought her laughter and happiness and vowed to help her further. She found the days easier as her energy grew fueled by the happiness her stranger of the night gave her. She could walk without the pain that she knew so well. She could even run if she chose to. She became healthier, inside and out and wondered how to repay the man for the gift he'd given her.

One night, her dream man visited her as he always does. He stood her before a large mirror as he stood behind her.

"Gaze into the mirror and tell me what you see." The dream whispered into her ear.

"I see a woman. She's happy and free." She replied. "Tell me, what do you see?"

"I see the beauty of your heart, your body and soul."

"I have you to thank for this. But what can I give you in return?" She asked as she gazed into the eyes of the man's reflection.

"There is but one gift I could receive from you." The man turned the woman to face him. "There is a hidden beauty within your blood. Give that to me and you will be mine."

The obstacle course

I had a new dream!!!!!! Yay! I love my dreams and hadn't had a new one since August. This one though is very different. I'll just post it below and you can shake your head at me later. I blame the mead I had at dinner. lol



The dream starts and I’m on a small Asian type boat with guy. I don’t know his name but he has short brown hair and a scraggly beard and is dressed in black. So I’ll call him Blackie. We arrive a set of floating buildings that have a prisoner on them. There are 4 sets of these carved stone prisons floating about. The first one we come to, we meet the guild who is the prisoner on this floating thing. He shows us to the obstacle course we need to go through.

The obstacle course is full of water and vines hanging down from the ceiling and boulders spaced out everywhere. We have to go through the course without touching the water. We do this so we can activate the statue that is at the end of the course so we can get the next clue. Blackie and me make it through the course with difficulty but we make it and we stand before the statue. The statue is an old Asian woman and when we are in front of it, her eyes light up and she begins to move. She gives us the next clue and we leave the floating prison and go to the next.

The next one, the course is harder to get through but looks the same as the first. The prisoner on this prison is more rough and tries to take me away from Blackie. Blackie fights him and we go through the course. The statue on the end of this course is another Asian woman, younger than the first. Her eyes light up and she tells us the clue we need. You have to go through all four prison and courses because all clues are only part of the larger clue.

We move on to the next course and this prisoner is even scarier than the last the last one. He fights Blackie and soon dies in the fight. We start to go through the course but a new prisoner has popped in the middle of it. Blackie fights him and tells me to keep going to the statue. I arrive at the statue alone and look back to see Blackie die by the hands of the new prisoner. I scream and cry and I’m afraid because I have to continue alone.

I get back to my boat, determined to see the final clue and when I arrive at the next course, there’s a new person in black with a mask on. He tells me that he is my new partner. There are two prisoners on this last floating prison and the course is even harder than the all the others. This floating prison is in two parts and we are on the first. The new guy in black makes friends with the prisoner on the first part of the prison and suddenly there’s a new gal there as well. She is being held captive by this prisoner. The new guy in black and the prisoner drag us to a large bed and force us to strip and lie down. While the prisoner is busy getting busy with his captive, the new guy in black is laying on top of me. He still has his mask on and tears are streaming down my face because I know what he’s going to do.

Just before he starts (yes, his pants are down and he’s…. hovering), he lies motionless on top of me and looks into my eyes. I look into his eyes and suddenly I know. It’s him. It’s Blackie! Before I could ask how it was possible he was here, he kissed me, silencing me. I knew he wanted me quiet so I nodded. We were laying that, gazing into each others eyes and….

I woke up. Damn it! Lol I lay in bed, trying to get back to sleep but the damn cat had other ideas.. I wanted to finish the dream, not just to see what Blackie would do but go through the obstacle course and hear the forth clue and see what happened next. Damn cat for keeping me awake. lol

The magic of completion

I finished writing my forth book Sunday. As I typed up the final words and read what I wrote, I sat back and breathed a heavy sigh. There is just something about knowing you put a story on paper, put words to the thoughts in your head and made madness make sense. I have written four books. Yes, I know the books still need a lot of work. Editing, more details added, rewritten, etc. But in essence the books are complete.

I already started my fifth book yesterday. I wrote 3000 words. So yea, this book is off to a great start. now my last book, I wrote in 3 months. That is a new record for me and it just shows how much I was really into it. This next one, is going to be different than my others so who knows, maybe I'll get it done even faster.

And yes, Michelle, I will try not to add so much sappiness to this new book. But you know, I won't be able to resist. lol

Book thoughts

I'm almost done writing my forth book. I may be able to finish it this weekend if I wake up enough. lol Even as this book is drawing to a close, I'm thinking about my next one. My next one will involve the supernatural as my other 4 have but this one will be something different for me. A werewolf. I haven't started it and yet I have a working title of Hairball. lmao it makes me laugh to think of a book named that and a werewolf book to boot. Odds are I won't keep that title but I won't know until I actually write that book.

Right now, I'm trying to focus on finishing my current one before I start the next one. I have my current book file open (by the way, it's called Destined for Darkness) and once I wake up a little more, I'll read through the last few pages and start writing. I find endings are important. I want to leave a mark in the reader where they can close the book and sigh, happy with the way things turned out. I know if I'm not happy, the reader probably won't be either.

I know what I have to write to end this book. I just have to write it. Maybe I'm using sleepiness as an excuse not to finish the book. After all, I thoroughly enjoyed writing this one. the words just flowed on their own onto the pages. The main characters took on a life of their own and I really didn't see the gal having the personality she does. of course, I don't give much thought to the books ahead of time. I mean I don't write notes, I don't envision how I want each character to act or what is going to happen. I take it one chapter at a time. Maybe I should use that same philosophy in life.

Crying on way home

On my way home from work today, I had music cranked and was listening to my ipod like I always do. I sang along with a couple of Madonna songs and enjoyed it. then a britney spears song came on. And not just any Britney Spear song either. It had to be that one. I've heard the song many times since I had that dream in September 2010 and at first it was very hard for me to listen to it. I had to stop each and every time. I think about 8 months ago, I could finally listen to the song without weeping.

But not today. The song started out like normal and I was okay. Then I had a flash back and thought of the dream and yes, I cried while driving down Jordan road. did I stop the song? No. I listened to it. sang with it and cried with it.

I know it was just a dream. I realize this. That does not stop the powerful emotions from coming back just from that dream. Even though that dream is etched forever into my mind, I decided to go back and read what I wrote. damn.. now I need kleenex


Dream September 4, 2010
So I had a really bad dream Friday the 4th. I dreamed that a friend (let’s call her M) in Vermont died but I was in denial. I didn't want to believe it. So I wasn't grieving or anything yet because it wasn't true. Then, one night I was walking home from work on a dirt road with lots of trees. I thought I saw something ahead of me and it was my friend! I ran up to her saying "I knew you weren't dead, I just knew it!" and M said, "sorry, but it is true. I am dead. See?" and she started to fade right in front of my eyes.

I screamed, "No!" and she said, "It's okay, you can't get rid of me that easily. Look, I have to go check on my hubby but I'll be back." and she started walking down the road. I fell to my knees and started bawling. I looked up again, and she was at the end of road, singing a Britney Spears tune (it was "Hit me baby one more time") and doing a funny dance to cheer me up. I started crying even harder and I mean, wails of crying and unending grief . Then she disappeared, leaving me in the middle of the road with my tears.

When I woke up this morning, I had to keep telling myself that was just a dream because I was still crying. and I was crying for a long time after that. I know it was just a dream but the pain, and sorrow of finding out that she was dead was still fresh and harsh.

Writing Sessions

Yesterday, I woke up at 8:30 and about 10 minutes later, I started writing. The writing bug bit me hard. I wrote for four hours with only a couple of breaks to eat and use the bathroom. After four hours, I found I had written over 3000 words. Do you know how long its been since I just sat down and wrote like that for hours? I loved it! I even wrote a few opening sentences for a new book.

Then, last night around 11 something pm, I sat down and wrote some more. My new word count for the day was just under 4000 words. I enjoyed every minute of writing yesterday and will probably write some more today. Probably for the past year or so, I sneak in a few pages and write at work. of course, that time is always interrupted by work or something. So it was a really really nice to just sit at the computer and not get interrupted unless I chose to. I need to write like that some more. Just spend time at home and lose myself in whatever book I'm writing. It makes me wish I could just stay home from work and write all day. but since I'm not rich, I must work full time.

Working full time while managing to write books is sometimes difficult. I have to learn to manage my time because I don't always get a chance to write at work and I shouldn't count on that time. I have never scheduled time to write as I always thought it would block me, stop the words from flowing by being forced to write. I still think that, however, I do think I need to set aside some time every day to either read over what I wrote and/or write new stuff. I just won't punish myself if the words don't flow on their own.

I'm loving this current book and the characters with the smart ass comments. I can't always think of smart ass comments to give people in real life (Really, it's true!) so I'm thrilled the thoughts come easy in writing. lol I've been up almost 2 hours today but this blog is the only thing I've written so far. Probably because I had self induced insomnia. lol Yea, I literally read until I couldn't see straight and only got 5 hours sleep last night. then picked up the book and finished reading it this morning.

I'm hopeless when it comes to a good book.

Numb

You know that song Numb by Linkin Park? I can relate to that. Bear with me while I describe why.

Picture two versions of me. One happy, go lucky, cheery person. The other a down, depressed, very blue person. Now picture those two version of me singing this song to each other.


I'm tired of being what you want me to be << Depressed me
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface << Depressed me
Don't know what you're expecting of me << Depressed me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes << Depressed me
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you << Depressed me
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there << Depressed me
Become so tired, so much more aware << Depressed me
I'm becoming this, all I want to do << Happy Me
Is be more like me and be less like you << Happy Me

Can't you see that you're smothering me, << Happy Me
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control? << Happy Me
'Cause everything that you thought I would be << Happy Me
Has fallen apart right in front of you. << Happy Me
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you. << Depressed me
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take. << Depressed me


This is how I feel a lot of the time. Two versions of me, with the happy me struggling to come to take over. two versions of me battling each other. Which version will be the victor? Which version will be the loser? I don't know anymore. I've become so numb...

Footsteps outside my door (A True Story)

I'm sitting here reading, tv is muted, so no sound in the apartment. Pipsqueek went to the patio door and cried.

I said, "what's your problem?"

He was quiet but staring out the door into the night. Then I heard it. The sounds of footsteps on rocks. Outside my patio, the bushes are surrounded by rocks. I started to get nervous but the footsteps soon faded away.

"whew.". A sigh of relief.

Relief was only temporary as the footsteps came back. I stood up and retrieved my sturdy cane, only weapon I have. I checked all the doors, made sure they were locked. I went over to my desk, had a cigarette and picked up the phone to call the police. Phone in hand, I went back to my recliner as I could only hear the footsteps there.

The crunching footsteps on rocks returned. It sounded like somebody pacing outside my patio. My imagination went into overdrive as I realized a person could easily leap over the railing and break in. I held my breath and waited for something to happen.

Silence returned and I figured it was just somebody out for a walk, walking their dog or something. Wait! what's that sound? Oh my god, they're still out there!

Now I was angry. I grabbed my flashlight, walked over to the patio door where pipsqueek was still watching the stranger. I flipped on the patio light and stared, waiting for the person to make themselves known. I didn't have to wait long. There it was, the sound I was dreading and I could now see the source. It was....

It was too damn funny, that's what it was. A piece of packing paper about three feet long was making sounds as the wind blew it across the cement of my patio. Geez.... Attack of the evil paper.
Beware the packing paper!!

I already shared this on facebook but it was such a good and funny story, I had to tell it here too.

Hiya!

uhhhh.. damn, forgot what I was going to type up. lol

oh well, It's been that kind of day. my R.A. is bugging me today too. sore ankle, legs and one hip. plus I'm beyond tired. just another day in paradise!

guess that's all since I can't remember what I was going to say.. DOH!

Writing without thought

I have read that a lot of authors carefully plan out scenes and how they want their stories to be told. I never was one for planning. When I write, I just sit down in front of the computer with the file open and start writing. A lot of times, I don't know how a scene will go until I've actually written it.

I let the words flow from me and then go back and read what I wrote. A scene I just now wrote and completed, took a very interesting turn. When I reread it, I thought "Well that was unexpected."

It may sound odd for a me to say that about my own writing but that is how I work. I have to say, I like it too. I write without plans, without outlines, or thinking ahead. I write without thought and books appear.

and I like it!

What is the point

I hate when sadness rears it's ugly head. I'm down in the dumps and I can see where this feeling will take me. I have been holding it off for a while now, trying not to let it consume me. I think I'm failing.

I tell myself to think of brighter things, silver linings and all that. then I think, "What's the point?" Why struggle as hard as I am to pay bills? What is the point of it? Another one will just fill it's place. Why strive to be happy when there is that inevitable thing to drag you down into the darkness? Why bother taking medicine to take away the physical pain I feel on a daily basis when it will always be there for the rest of my life? Why quit smoking and eat healthy to extend my life when to be truthful, that is not what I want?

I know I have a better life than a lot of people. I know how lucky I am. that does not take away from the despair that I feel. I don't like it but I can't always stop it. The sadness has come for me like a theif in the night to make me wallow in my own doubts.

You may think I'm over the top. But I'm not. I've been here before. I know this feeling. I know I should ask my doctor for antidepressants. But what's the point? something will always bring me down and make me feel like I'm drowning in my own emotions and thoughts.

Let me tell you something about myself, if indeed anybody reads my blog, this may be a shock to some people. I have only told a select precious few people this thing.

In 1993, I had a nervous breakdown. I saw a psychiatrist 3 times a week for months. He diagnosed me with chronic depression and said I've probably been this way since childhood. I revealed to the shrink my thoughts that I never told anybody. He knew how bad off I was. He made me promise him that I wouldn't attempt suicide. I promised him and I broke that promise. Yes, on July 26th, 1993, I attempted suicide. Nobody in my family had ever seen a shrink before, let a lone do what I had done. so it was a quite a shock to my family.

Obviously, I lived through it. I often think back on those dark times of my life and do I regret it? No. I know that will be a shock to a lot of people. I can honestly say I do not regret it. The whole experience changed me and for the better. It changed my way of thinking. It changed my personality. It changed ME.

When I think back upon the experience when I am feeling low and depressed as I am, I know I will rise above it in time. I don't see myself ever attempting suicide again. No matter how depressed I get. I know it won't happen. It may be odd but it gives me comfort.

I may cry, I may weep and curse my pains and life. But I will live through it and endure for this is who I am. Do not worry for me, or weep for me. I do that enough. I will go on struggling to pay bills. I will go on working even though I wish I could curl up into a ball and weep. I will live my life for I have no other choice.

I have not cried today. That is suprising to me. I don't think I'll cry at all. What would be the point? I typed this post up to vent, and get things out of my head. If you read it, I thank you. But don't worry about me. I will live. I will work and I will play. I will laugh again someday. I may cry again too. Just not today. What would be the point of either?

Hi folks

So yea.... Haven't posted anything on here in two weeks. Guess I haven't had anything to say. I'm still here. Still tired all the time. Still blah. Now my computer at home is busted. Working off iPad right now. But yea. I'm pretty much the same. I lead a boring life which is why I escape into my writing.... One day, maybe readers can escape into my writings too

Funk

I'm in a funk. lately, all I seem to want to do is read a lot of books, do some writing and maybe watch TV. Only games i've been playing have been on Facebook.

I have stuff to do around here, like laundry, take out the trash, clean off dining room table. yet, I sit.

I know I was tired all the time (thanks to the R.A. and issues) before my stint with the hospital and recovery at home. Since I've been back to work, I'm even more tired if that's possible. But being tired isn't the only thing. I have no will, no desire to do a damn thing. just read, write, and watch TV.

It's not depression but I don't know what it is. It's a funk and I need to escape it. blah

Book Thoughts

You know how I’ve been wanting to go with Self publishing for my books, right? Well, last night, while I was trying to get to sleep, I had a sudden idea. What if I submitted my ghost book to a publisher or two? The worst that can happen is that I get rejected and I’ll use self publishing anyway.

But to do that, I’ll need to choose some publishers, see if they’ll take submissions without an agent, create a query letter and also create a synopsis for my book. Even if I don’t end up submitting to publishers, I think I still need to create a synopsis or summary for my books. Something that catches the readers eye so that they’ll want to read more.

I found some webpages that talk about how to create a synopsis (length depends on the publisher when submitting), and I know I can do it. One suggested to read through your book with a pen and paper, make notes along the way as you read it. Summarize the chapter in one sentence and move to the next. Another website suggested writing the synopsis before you start writing the book but I don't like that idea.

I think it'll take my full attention and I should do it at home, rather than at work or elsewhere. If anybody reading this knows a writer or a publisher, see if they have any tips for me. I'd really appreciate it.

Oh and I have started a forth book already and I have a title for it. When it comes to titles, I've found that some just come to me before I start writing (like my first and forth books) and others I have agonized over (like my 2nd and 3rd). At any rate, here are my book titles in the order the books were written.

Not Alone
In My Dreams - May change the title, still not sure
My Eternal Love - May remove the 'my', not sure yet
Destined for Darkness - haven't even completed first chapter yet. lol

If I could talk to a published author, I would ask this question. How many whole books did you write before you were published? maybe I'll google that question and see if anybody else asked it.

Feel free to share my blog with anybody you want. More readers are always welcome!

Books Books Books

Today, I wrote an epic scene in my third book. A major scene. and I'm pretty proud of it. I just have to write an epilogue for the book, wrap it up and I'll have three written books under belt.

With the first book I wrote, I was proud of it. Couldn't wait to get it published. Then I started my second book and that one was my favorite and I wanted it to be published first. With this third one, I definitely want it published before the other two.

I enjoyed writing all three books. I love the act of sitting at a computer and letting the words fly without a lot of forethought. With each book I wrote, I didn't plan things out (except for the epic scene I just wrote in the third book). While I did think about how I wanted each book, each scene to go, I did not sit down and plan things out. I just wrote. and I love that I can do that.

Thinking about publishing... I was thinking that next year, I could take a small loan out to pay for self-publishing. I don't think I can handle going through agents and getting rejection after rejection. Self-publishing is what I want and I want to do it right. To do it right, costs money. But oh to see my name on the cover of a book, to see people enjoy the book and want more, to have that feeling of accomplishment even if readers don't like what I write. My books aren't for everyone. But people who read them enjoy them. I enjoy them. and I can't wait to get this ghost book published.

A week ago, I wrote down book ideas for my next book. I'll have to go back and read over those ideas again and decide which one to use next. I have written 2 vampire books and 1 ghost book. What will the 4th one be? Only time will tell.

edit: My editor tells me to go back and read my post. okay I did, now what? LOL yea yea yea, I made a couple of corrections

I had an adventure with one of my characters

I think I have been reading too many paranormal romance novels lately and I've been writing too much or focusing too much(if there is such a thing) in my book.

Last night, I dreamed of the ghost in my book. His name is Eric. In the dream, I was in bed, trying to get to sleep when the room grew cold. I saw the air sort of shimmer next to my bed and Eric manifested there. He looked as he does in my book, tall, shoulder length hair, nice build, see through and yummy. lol

"What...How?" I started to say as I sat up in bed.

"We have business to attend to. Come with me." Eric said and held out his hand.

"But..." I was still shocked to see him standing there, a character I created.

"Come. I'll explain later. We must leave now." Eric insisted.

I took his hand and before I could get out of bed, Eric and I disappeared from my bedroom. A second later, and we were in a forest but I didn't know where. Eric looked around as if looking for something, then we disappeared again. We reappeared in a strange home. Again, Eric looked around for something. Before I could say anything, we disappeared again. Now, my stomach was starting to act up. You go popping into various places and see how your stomach acts. lol

When we reappeared again, we were in what I guessed was a castle. It had stone walls, torches instead of lamps, drafty, dark and looked cool. Eric started looking around again but before we could disappear again, I yanked my hand away and stepped back.

"What is the matter?" Eric asked.

"Has it occurred to you that I can't handle poofing around like that?" I snapped at him and leaned against the wall for support. "Just what are you looking for anyway? Why did you drag me out of bed?"

"I thought you knew. You created me." Eric replied.

"I know I created you but that I doesn't mean I know what's going on. Just tell me." I asked him.

"We have to leave. She isn't here." Eric replied. He took my hand again and we disappeared again.

Now, I found myself in a field that I recognized from my book. "That's it. I've had enough." I yelled at him.

"We don't have time for this." Eric told me calmly.

"Then tell me what the Hell is going on!" I yelled.

Eric sighed, "Something went wrong."

"Ya think?" I snapped.

Eric remained quiet as he paced in the field beside me. When he finally stopped pacing, he looked at me once and then disappeared, leaving me in the field alone.

"You can't leave me here!" I yelled after him. "Asshole!"

Then I woke up. lol I don't think there are many writers who dream of their character from their book. Why I dreamed it is a mystery. It doesn't really follow the plot of my book. I think it's just a sign that I read too much. Of course, out of all the characters I have created in my 3 books, I am glad I dreamed of him. He was yummy. lol Just wish he told me what was going on. lol

Options!

So, it appears I have a new option in my third book I'm writing. I was told to come up with a mystical option and now I have one. I never would have thought of this option if it wasn't suggested. It sent me thinking, coming up with how the option works, the new character who would help with that new option and how to introduce her.

I've got the introduction to the new character done. Now, I just need to come up with a name, a description for her and her mannerisms. How is this new gal going to act? I also have to figure out how exactly to do this new option. I did research on the internet and found something similiar (trying to write to about it with out giving away any info is hard) so I can probably work with it and change up what I found to make it work for my book.

I do like the idea of this new option. I did talk about the first two options a lot in my book, gave the characters something to think about and build up a little drama perhaps. Also gave the readers of the book something to think about in case they never thought of this before.

I'm excited about this new option. I just have to think...

Choices

In my third book, I know that I'm approaching the end. I just don't know how I want to end it. My two main characters have a choice to make and it's a pretty big decision. Do I want a happily ever after ending or a bitter sweet ending that is intended to shock people?

I know other writers have come across the "how to end the book" question. And if I were smart, I'd research it and find out what those writers did.

However, I'm thinking of writing up both endings and see which one I like better. or which one flows better.

Michelle, you've read the choices the characters are facing and i have a feeling that you are going with the first option. I do like that option but I know I could really write a killer option 2 ending. lol So, be prepared to read two different endings... I have a feeling that i won't decide until both are written.

Happy Monday!

Hello all! Today, I'm writing from work. Yup, first day back at work today. I have been here a little over 2 hours and I think I'm caught up already. I'm tired already too and I know I'll be exhausted by the time I get home tonight. I am glad to be back at work though. Being at home is nice but I don't know if I could do it all the time. I'd love to find out though. So if anybody has a lot of money just laying around, give it to me. Pay me to stay home and write and do whatever I want. lol

yea, I know. wishful thinking. Once I get back to my usual work and sleep schedule, I'll post more often here. Maybe post a couple of dreams too.

Until then.. Ta Ta

Sleep...

Ah sleep. that elusive thing that we all crave every night. Since I have been on leave of absence from work, my sleep schedule is totally screwed up. Here it is, : AM and I'm not sleepy. I have chased my cat around the apartment. I played catch the red devil with him (laser beam). now I'm listening to my ipod and swaying and dancing to music in my living room.

This has to change and soon. I go back to work on Monday and I can't really show up all exhausted and sleepy. So I thought that tonight, since I'm not tired, I may as well stay awake all night. maybe nap tomorrow and go to bed at my "normal" time and get up Sunday morning at my normal work time. I need to try get back to my usual sleeping schedule.

But not tonight... tonight, I dance! with the blinds closed of course.. lol

Parachutes are not just fashion statements

Last night, I had one of my weird dreams.  It's been a while so I was glad to have one.   I dreamed that a bunch of my facebook friends, Dad and I were patients in an asylum.   It was our groups turn for a field trip and we all went out for the day.  I think we were on top of a mesa somewhere.   For normal people, it would have been boring but we were patients and having fun!   I was looking around and spotted Dad and a blonde chic running for the cliff.  They had parachutes on their back and they leaped off the cliff.  I ran to the cliff and looked down and watched them fall.  

 

I turned to nobody behind me, held my hand up and said "Um, excuse me but two people just jumped off the cliff."  

 

I turned back to watch the two falling and I guess they forgot they had parachutes on.  yea, they didn't use them.  They both hit the ground with a splat (they failed the bounce test). Dad didn't survive but the blonde did.   I could faintly hear her say "That was fun! Let's do it again!"  

 

I look back at my fellow patients and some were dancing, others were catching "things"   and a couple were laughing.   They were oblivious to the two people that leaped off the cliff.  

 

somebody in the group told me they had a ball and I ran over to play ball with them.    That's when I woke up.  lol 

 

I know it's not as long or detailed as my usual weird dreams but still, I'm glad to have the dreams again and remember them.    I think the point of the dream is to remind me to use my parachute. It's not just on your back to make a fashion statement. LOL

Hi guys!

It's been a long week. who knew that being home from work would be so stressful and busy. lol Short version, I'll be home another week but I'm hoping to go back on August 8th. But time will tell.

since I am home from work for a bit longer, I decided to try to get back into writing after the two week or so break from my book and due to life events. so tonight I wrote 2 and half pages in my ghost book and I do think the book is nearing an end but I still haven't quite decided how I want to end it. i can't go into details yet because that would give it away.

I think I will just let the characters "tell" me how it should end. I already have an idea but not sure if I want to follow through with it. Guess we'll all just have to wait and see. Out of the three books I have written, i think this one is my favorite so far. of course, i liked the last one too. so maybe my next book will be my favorite. lol I'm hopeless.

Just wanted to let any readers know that I am here, I am still writing and always will be. As for dreams, lately, I haven't remembered much of my dreams. All I remember from last night is drinking a regular Coke and enjoying every minute of it. which is odd since I don't like regualr coke. lol oh well, maybe as I continue to get better, I'll dream more and remember them. when I do remember, you know I will post them here.

Until then, ta ta!

Hi folks! I had an adventure

Sorry for not writing here this week. I had an adventure. This is a long post so pull up a chair.

I guess it started last thursday with stomach pain. The pain grew and grew until I was sick early sunday morning. I wasn't eating, not drinking enough, and in a lot of pain. By sunday night, I told my boss that I was going to try and get into see my doctor monday or go to the ER. I lucked out and got an appointment with a doc 9:30 on monday. She examined me and suggested Diverticulitis and sent me to get blood work and a cat scan right after my apointment. After the Cat scan, I was to wait there while the docs went over the results. The good news was that it wasn't diverticulitis. The bad news was that I had pancreatitis and it was bad. I went from the cat scan building, walked to the main hospital right to admission. Yup, I was admitted to the hospital.

I had more blood work done, was given Morphine Dilauded (medicine from God, I swear!) and made comfy in a bed. now time seems to get messed up a bit, so not sure which day exactly. lol I think monday Night, I had an xray of abdomen. Oh, I was really dehydrated too so finding a vein for the I.V. was fun. Tuesday, I had a type of MRI done. The mri showed that I had gall stones and the gall bladder needed to come out.

Surgery was scheduled for Wednesday at 3 and the nurses, surgeon assistant, anithesiologist and his assistant were all great in comforting me. They made me laugh a lot. I went into my first surgery ever. I remember scooting over onto the gurney and getting my arms strapped on the things. I remember them putting an oxygen mask on me and the anethesiologist (geez, i can't spell that word) told me to enjoy the trip. lol that was the last thing I remember.

After the surgery, I tried to talk, found I could only whisper no matter how hard I tried. My first word after surgery was parents. they didn't understand me so I croaked out Mom and Dad. found out they were waiting for me in my new post op room. Breathing really sucked right out of surgery, I panicked a little but as i breathed more, I relaxed. It was a bit scary for me. I had laproscopic surgery on my belly. they removed the gall bladder and said it looked like it was messed up for a while now. so yea, time to get rid of it.

I was discharged today and now I'm home, and after this post, I'll relax. My belly looks like it went through a war. I have bruises everywhere. Including where they put needles in my belly for medicine to stop blood clots.

Now a lot people immediately think that diet is why gall bladder goes bad. However, I asked the surgeon if gall bladder issues are inherited and he said yes. Mom had her gall bladder out. Her grandmother had her gall bladder removed. It's family history. The doc also said I can go back to whatever I was eating before. not that a lot people will care about that.

I did go to the store today about sandwich stuff and actually bought a salad kit. I did eat a fruit cup earlier. I think they were oranges. now I'm going to find something to eat that doesn't require a lot of effort. Then, I'm going to veg out in my recliner and relax. Maybe I'll read up on recommended diets for gall bladder removal stuff.

This was only my second hospital stay in my life and it was my first surgery. I went through a lot of emotions. I was scared, I cried, I laughed, and dozed. Also gave my parents guilt trips when they'd leave after visiting me in the hospital. You know, just had to do it. lol

Anyways, one week after a small stomach ache started, I sit here minus one gall bladder and with many many bruises and sore spots. Moral to the story, Do not put off seeing a doctor if you have a stomach ache.

I could probably type a lot of stuff here but I'll leave it now.. time to relax and enjoy my first night home..

Dark's Bride

You know I can't really control when inspiration strikes me to write a poem.  Sometimes it just hits me and I have to get it out.  Well, this one is a real doozy. 

 

Here it is, just as I wrote it down... Guard yourself..  ~muwahahahaha~

 

Dark's Bride

 

Dark ominous clouds blacken the sky

Blotting out all light from your eyes

Darkness seeps into your room

It fills you with dread and gloom

Shadows move across the walls

They seek to answer unknown calls

Closer and closer they edge to you

Surrounding you to give you what's due

The shadows creep closer, to touch what they seek

Fear and madness are what they reek

Your soul is what they need and crave

To send you to an early grave

To be one of the shadows from which you hide

And  become the dark's bride.

 

Katie DesChenes © July 16th 2011

Camping story 3

Let's see.. Oh here's a memorable camping trip... we used to have a pick up truck that had a camper shell on it. a bed went over the cab of the truck. there was maybe 2 feet of space up there, once you were up there, you weren't going to sit up. Well, dad was driving around in the mountains on dirt road. my sister terry was in the back with me and I think her friend sat up front with dad in the truck. I of course, got in the little bed area above the cab of the truck. Suddenly, the road got really bumpy.. well it used to be a road about a hundred years ago. It was so bumpy that I was going up and down in the bed. Bang, hit the roof.. plop back on the bed. over and over and over again. I'm talking about every second, I was hitting that roof. at first I laughed.. cause ya know, I'm stupid. lol but it got worse, I hit the roof with more force with each bang. momentum, I think. mean while, Terry is standing on one foot, has one foot on cabinet, one hand on another cabinet, and another hand on another cabinet, to keep them closed. I started screaming because I was tired of being the battered ping pong ball, terry was yelling at me to get down and help her (as if I could).. finally, dad stops the truck and we take a break..

But wait, there's more! When we got back in the truck, something was wrong with it. I forgot what but Dad got it started and it sounded wrong but hey, it started which was a good thing because there was not another living soul around for miles, let alone roads.... we drove across a meadow in the mountains and finally came across a big van. There were two guys in it. the one actually sitting in the passenger seat got out to talk to my dad. the other guy had his legs dangling out of the drivers seat door and was basically plastered. lol Dad pops the hood of the truck and gets the tools out of the camper, telling us girls to stay put. The guy who could function started picking up small rocks and hitting his friend and yelling "Vernan!" rock hits the dude who isn't moving. "Vernan, come on man!" another rock hits him, still not moving... "Damn it, Vern! Get out here and help the guy" more rocks thrown at the dude. The more sober guy finally gives up and helps dad fix our truck. We move along leaving the drunks behind and I saw in the window that the guy was still throwing rocks at the other guy. too freakin funny..

after camping, we headed back to civilization. On one of the dirt roads, only one car can go at a time.. so if you hear a honk, that means another car is coming and you have to find a "wide" spot in the road to pull onto so the other car can get by. We start heading down hill on this very steep dirt road. guess what.. our brakes died. Yup.. here's dad, both feet on the emergency brake pedal, he's basically standing on the brakes and rocking back and forth "come on, betsy. you can do it" and I'm sitting next to him holding up a sign that says "NO BRAKES" in the window, alternating eyes closed, peek and see where we are, close eyes again.. waiting for another car to show up on that damn road or we go rolling off the cliff because the we couldn't slow down for the turns...

but as luck would have it, we made it to the bottom of the hill in one piece without seeing another car on the road, the smell of burnt rubber in the air, and everybody shaking...

Yup.. good times.

It came from the webs

Hi guys! Just thought I'd let you know that I have my own website now. It's just my name.. http://www.katiedeschenes.com/ I thought it was time to get one and after a friend nagged me about it, I chose my name. Reason? Well, authors have their own websites with their name as the name of the website. While I haven't been published, I am an author. So go to to my website and check it out. It's still in the early stages and I need to put links and stuff on it today sometime.

Also, I have my blog redirected to http://blog.katiedeschenes.com. If you have the old dream writer link, it should still work and take you to the new link.

Self Publishing thoughts

I'm interrupting my camping stories posts for a few thoughts on self publishing. I do want to go that route but the cost is going to be hard to swallow. I haven't researched the different companies yet because there's no use since I can't afford it.

When I can self publish, I'll have three books to choose from (third one is in progress). If I had to choose today, I'd choose the in progress one just because I'm enjoying to so much. I'd love to publish all three but unless I win the lottery or come into a lot of money, I'll have to stick with just publish one book for now. I want to do self publishing right and to do it right, isn't cheap.

Now with the cost in my mind, I have been thinking about something lately. I can put a paypal link on here and accept donations towards the cost of self publishing. However, since I don't get a lot of comments or readers, would it actually be a useful thing or not?

Maybe I'll give it some time and let the idea rattle around in my head for a while. What do you guys think?

Camping Stories... The perils of big cars on narrow roads

Now, I don't remember a lot of my childhood, maybe I blocked it out because of so many scary camping trips. lol So I don't know if these pieces are one camping trip or many.

Now, in the mountains here, there are a ton of dirt roads with steep inclines and sometimes there's barely enough room for one car to drive on, let alone two. I remember one road in particular that we went on a lot up near Georgetown. You couldn't see around the turn of the road, so you had no clue if a car was coming or not. You just had to hope that the if there was another car coming, that they honked their horn or heard you honk yours. Sometimes, you had to go in reverse when another car was coming the other way because you had to find a 'wide' spot in the road. yup, scary times but it happened so often that I think I got used to it despite looking out the window and seeing the cliff inches from your tires. lol

That brings me to another tidbit. I can remember we had a big blue van. I don't remember the year or anything, I just can remember seeing the van. Now, this part, I've pieced together from my parents. There was one dirt road that we managed to get the blue up, barely. One one turn, I vaguely remember we had to get out of the van while dad tried to get it back on the road. You see, one of the back tires was hanging off into the air. Mom and I think my aunt and brother, started getting rocks and basically built up a road underneath the tire that was just hanging out there. Once they had enough rocks, dad was able to move the van forward. we all breathed a sigh 0f relief and got back in the van.

I also remember an old hanging wooden bridge. It had gaps between the planks and hung low in the middle and it swayed freely with no supports on any part of it, nothing on the sides to grab on to and nothing holding it up. It was certainly wide enough for a car to go over but nobody in their right mind would try it. Right? Wrong! Dad decided he could take the van over it just fine. I believe mom called him names and everybody got out of the van and walked across the bridge, leaving dad alone in the van. We walked slowly and carefully across the bridge and it supported our weight just fine. Behind us, Dad started inching the van across the bridge and we hurried over and waited anxiously. Slowly the van crept across the van and miraculously, he made it across.

We all piled back into the van and went on our merry way. I think it was after that trip that mom decided staying at home was the better thing to do. After that, when we went camping, it was my dad with mom at home. I just emailed dad to see if he remembers where that bridge is. I was hoping to find a picture of it somewhere for you. my description does not do the scene justice. lol

I do remember another incident with my mom but I don't remember if it was that blue van or a different white van we had or what. I can remember we were driving pretty high in the mountains and it was a foggy day. Visibility wasn't that great that high up. The dirt road we were on was a bit bumpy and suddenly mom yelled "Stop the car!" Dad stopped the car and looked at mom. The fog lifted to reveal that the road ended abruptly only about 20 feet from where mom said to stop. Not only did it end abruptly, it was a cliff and the drop was at least 100 feet. Something told mom to stop because we couldn't see squat in front of us.

I think that's enough rambling today. Hope you enjoyed it! Tomorrow, I'll share a camping trip with our white pick up truck that had a camper shell on it.

Okay, so I emailed my dad and asked where the bridge was and he sent a link that shows the bridge. it wasn't what i remembered. I distinctly remember a reddish bridge that drooped. maybe that was a different one. lol Here's what my dad said and the link to the pictures.


"I drove past Blackhawk to Rollinsville on Highway 119 then took the old Moffat Road narrow gauge RR trail to the Needle Eye Tunnel (Now collapsed). The other side of the tunnel took us to a 200 foot trestle that wobbled and shook… you guys got out… I drove over… the road eventually went over Rollins Pass… there was a ghost town there with the old hotel… eventually you wound up in up in winter Park. There were snow sheds for the trains.. ghost towns of Penelope and Antelope…. We didn’t need no stinkin’ 4X4!!! We were invincible!!!



Go here… lots of pictures of the devils slide trestles!!!!Dad http://www.matts-place.com/trains/colorado/rollins.html "

Direct link to one of the pictures http://www.matts-place.com/trains/colorado/images/rp061800d.jpg

Camping Stories.. The introduction

After reminicing about camping with a coworker, I thought I'd post some of my most memorable camping stories here.

I'll start out with my introduction to camping. I believe I was 6 months old at the time. Mom had set me down in my carrier next to the campfire. They had gathered flat rocks to use to set pans on and coffee pot to heat up hot water. They put a nice sized flat rock in the fire and went off to do something.

The way my mom tells it, they suddenly heard a loud pop coming from my direction. They looked around and spotted the flat rock going straight up in the air. The rock popped again and broke into two pieces and started coming back down. Evidently, one half of the rock landed mere inches from my tiny little head.

Yup, nice exciting time for a first camping trip, eh? And that's just the start of the stories. Tomorrow, I'll post another one for you to read.

What goes ON in my head

I headed back to my desk with a cup of fresh coffee to help open my eyes a bit. I glance out of the floor to ceiling windows at the parking lot behind the quiet building. The landscape was sculpted by rocks and tall walls as if to hold back the dirt and land from edging forth. I spot movement on a wall and my eyes go to that spot. A humanoid like shadow crawling down the wall, head first to the parking lot below. It's arms and legs are thin but they hold him to the wall with ease. I drink my coffee, still staring out of the window at this thing on the wall. The things head turns and looks directly at me with evil in it's eyes. I wave at the thing, it waves back and we continue on with our separate lives.

As you probably know by now, I have extra weird thoughts roaming around in my head. The above paragraph was just one of them as I got a fresh cup of coffee and went back to my desk at work. Of course, I'm half awake since people fired off fireworks for hours into the night. Think I'll look out the window again and try to spot the shadow.

Yup, I'm a writer with weird thoughts.. who'd a thunk? lol

Note to self: learn to proof read what you type...

Vampy thoughts

Have you ever noticed in vampire books that when the male vampire finds a mate, he gets possessive and says 'mine'? I haven't noticed that too often in werewolf books or other paranormal books. Show me a vampire book and I'll almost guarrantee the vamp will be possessive.

My books are the exception. My first two books that I wrote are vampire books and I didn't include that obsessed thought of 'mine'. It makes me wonder if I should write that in somehow. Is it some sort of unwritten rule to have that possessition in vampire books? Is that what readers want in the books they hold in their hands?

What do you think? Do readers want to get lost in the idea of a vampire owning them?

Thoughts of Happiness

What makes you happy? For me, I'm happiest when I write. When the words flow from my fingertips to the keyboard without much thought or advance planning, that's what makes me happy. When that doesn't happen, I have other things to make me happy. Like playing Warcraft or LOTRO with Michelle and talking to her over the computer. Even when we don't say much, we know we are there for each other and may break up the silence with a rude noise. Ha Ha! Also, work does make me happy. Yes, I will always complain about it because I think it's human nature to do so. But, I love my job and I love being able to work full time which is not too common for people with R.A.

Other things that make me happy, Fridays.. It seems everybody's attitude is lighter on Fridays because they are planning their weekends. My cat, Pipsqueek makes me happy too. I watch him as he tears through the apartment, occasionally running into walls or falling off counters. He's a dork and a klutz but he makes me really happy. Nothing like coming home after a long day at work and he greets me at the door, ready for attention. He's a sweetheart.

I could list a million things that make me happy but that would be boring. Instead, I want you to think about what makes you happy. What brings a smile to your face? It could be something you do everyday or just once in a while. It could be anything. Just think about it. What makes you happy?

Edited to add: Great, just realized I sound like I'm trying to get you to think happy thoughts so I sprinkle pixie dust on you so you can fly. lmao

Lucky

With yesterday's gloomy post, I thought I'd post something positive today. So here it goes..

I'm a lucky girl. I have a roof over my head, I have a steady job, I have my family and terrific friends (I'm looking at you, Michelle). While, I'm not the healthiest person around, I can work full time and I can pay bills. I'm also lucky enough to be able to write poems, my books and in my blog.

I am a lucky person.

How about you?

When Inspiration strikes

As a writer with Rheumatoid Arthritis, I can't use pen and paper to write down my ideas for long sessions. That's why I type. When inspirations stikes, I wish I could type faster. Last time I took a typing test was at least 5 years ago and I could type 60 words per minute without mistakes. I don't know if I've gotten any faster over the years but sometimes, it's not fast enough.

I know I can only write so many words per day before my fingers give out and I can't type anymore, or my eyes go blurry from staring at the screen for so long. I used to think that it would be nice to have a software where I could say the words into a microphone and they'd appear on the screen. Even though it would save my fingers, I don't think I'd like that at all though. I like typing. I like seeing my thoughts and ideas form sentences on the screen. Then seeing those sentences become paragraphs and pages. And to think that I hated typing class in high school. I'm silly, I know.

Today, I've already written 5 new pages in my ghost book and I'm still typing away. I have ideas of upcoming scenes and have this need to get them out. No, I'm not going to type the scenes ahead of time. I like to type my book in order. It flows better that way.

so I'm furiously typing away and even while writing this post, I'm thinking about my book. speaking of which, back to it I go. lol

An Exercise in Calmness

When I was trying to get to sleep last night, a thousand thoughts started running through my head.  So I did a little exercise to calm my thoughts and it worked.   Then I started to thinking and wondering if anybody else had their own exercise to calm themselves (and I had to do the exercise again lol).   When your emotions are at their strongest and you don't want them, or when you have way too many thoughts going through your head, or you're stressed or for any reason at all, what do you do to calm yourself?   Or maybe you just need to clear your mind so you can focus on something.

 

Maybe you don't know how or never tried it before but I thought I'd list what I do.   Picture in your mind, something that can calm you.   It can be a person, a pet, a happy place (yea, you know about happy places) or even a thing.  If you picture a place, make sure you are alone or no conversation is happening to distract you.  Let's say it's the beach.  Imagine you are sitting on the beach on a clear comfortable day. You can feel the sand beneath you and you gaze out at the ocean, watching and listening to the waves as they roll in.   No people, no thoughts, just focus on that image.  For me, I just imagine a thing.   I picture a blank piece of paper or even a book of blank pages.  Maybe I chose this because I'm writer, who knows. 

 

Only Focus on that image and push out all other thoughts,  and just breath.  I don't care what pops into your head, push it out and focus on your image. Do this until you just have your image and no other thoughts are drifting in.  If you don't get distracted, you may find a new calmness within.   Some people may calm themselves just by taking a few deep breaths.  Well, congrats for them but it doesn't always work for everybody. 

 

I do this almost every night and sometimes during the day.  I may start doing it more often during the day just to see if I can lower my blood pressure. lol  Yes, I know you people think I'm already nuts but humor me and just try it.  Let me know how it goes. 

Bored!

This is what happens when you don't want to work and don't feel like writing in your book.. you get bored! And what to do writers do when they are bored?  They write spur of the moment silly poems like this one...

 

 

Lulu

 

There once was a girl named Lulu

She was so bored, she didn't know what to do

She chatted with friends and surfed the 'net

She even considered making some a strange bet

Bored out of her skull, she picked up a pen

wrote down some gibberish and sent it to friends

Who then wondered about the sanity of poor Lulu

and were afraid that she may soon say Goo goo..

 

From the Mouth of Madness

So am I the only one who seems to enjoy my trips to Insanity?   I treat it like a trip and I like my trips.   I'm a weird person to start with but it seems lately, I've gotten a bit weirder.  maybe it's because I have this cold..  maybe it's my destiny to go insane...  who knows... I do know one thing.  I think I'd play the part of the eccentric millionaire just perfectly.  I'm already eccentric, I just need the money to go with it.  lmao

 

 

The world of publishing

I'm reading a book about self publishing and the processes involved in it. I was already leaning towards self publishing but this book is making me lean more and I'm only up to chapter 3. Lol. I do believe the only thing holding me back is the cost. You have to pay for a lot of different services if you want to do it right unless you want to do a lot of work yourself. Let's face facts. I am a lazy and avoid work. Lol so I'd want all the services I can get and that costs moola.

I have two finished books and I'm working on a third and that's not counting the editing and additional work needed on them. I will of course keep reading the self publishing book and worry how to pay for it later but I wanted to get it out there into the universe that I will be published someday. It will happen. I probably won't get rich from my books but I can't wait to see my name on a book that I wrote! It's not about fame either. For me, it's a sense of accomplishment.

Oh, and I will celebrate my ass off when it happens. Lol

Rough Days

When I originally started this blog, I was going to use it solely to show off my weird dreams and poetry and writing junk like that.  It was going to be a place free from my health issues.  As the years have gone by, I have posted a couple of health related things and rants and junk like that.   I still want to keep this blog mainly for my musings, dreams, and stuff related to writing.   However, I need a place to vent as well.   A place where I can post my thoughts, free from judgments and idiots and stress.   This is my blog.  I don't post things to amuse you. I do it to amuse myself and also to get things out there in the universe.   You are free to skip these kind of posts if you want.  There are labels to the right of your screen and you can click on a word to take you to posts related to that word.   Or, you can just go away.   lol  

 

Now on to what's bugging me today.   I started the day in a not so good mood (for unknown reason).  It was made worse when I found my package is stuck in Kentucky because it missed it's connection.  grrr.  Then I was asked stupid questions at work.  Stupid questions are nothing new but today they irritated me.  Then, after coming in from a break outside, my left foot decided to cramp up and just hurt for the hell of it.  I could barely walk back to my desk it hurt so badly. I was near tears, but I made it to my desk.  Once I sat down, the pain magically went away.  I relaxed a bit and then half hour later, I stood up, took 2 steps, the pain was back in my left foot.  Oh, but wait, the right knee and right hand decided to hurt too.   And let's not discuss the fact that my right elbow has been hurting all week making use of that arm near impossible. 

 

My foot pain is still there but has dwindled some.  It better go away before I get off work because I really have to go grocery shopping.  I'm out of everything.   if  the pain is still there, I'll still go shopping but only get what I can't do without for a couple of days like dry cat food, soap, something for dinner and lunch tomorrow.

 

I've been taking a new multivitamin for almost a week now.  I thought maybe it would help with the Rheumatoid Arthritis symptoms but haven't noticed anything yet.   But that's okay.  I didn't expect anything to happen yet.   But maybe it will help with the Fatigue, that's my biggest issue. 

 

I haven't written anything in my books since April 25th.  Mainly because I have been so tired and in pain.  I hate it.  Also, while I am dreaming, I haven't been remembering my dreams lately.    That may be because I have been so tired.  Who knows...  

 

I have been thinking of reposting some of my poems with the pictures I made for them.  I have them saved.   maybe doing that will get me writing again.   I have to get back to work, duty calls.      As always, thanks for reading!

 

Weirdo or Not?

I'm not a weirdo.  I am a disturbed individual with a unique view of the world and things around me.   Could you imagine if I ate glue as a kid like my class mates did?

 

 

 

Ramblings and Pet Peeves

Good morning weird people.  Today's post is just little stuff that has been irking me lately (as if I don't have enough stuff to irk me).

 

First off is the Prince's wedding.  Why is this such a big deal?  I didn't care when Diana married the goon, so why should I care that her son is getting married?  I'm pretty much glued to Syfy channel until it's all over with.

 

Secondly... who decided to split up the seasons on TV shows?   I miss the days where the TV Season was September to April or May. Now, they have it so broken up, each channel has their season schedule and sometimes each tv show is different too.  I don't like it.  no sir...

 

I'm also tired of people who think their problems, their wants and needs trumps everybody else's.   What about me? Guess I don't matter to certain people.  

 

On a related note, I'm tired of holding onto things.  Grudges, hurt feelings, anger.     I'm going to try and let it all go.  Not let it bother me any longer.  Easier said than done, I know but I'm going to try.  Because, damn it!  I'm sick of it.  

 

I'm also tired of the pain from the arthritis. I'm not going to see a Rheumatologist just yet. I despise them.  I'm also not going to take drugs that suppress my immune system.  I don't agree with that line of thinking because it opens you up to a whole world of illnesses. So that leaves me with natural remedies.  I am not changing my diet.  I'm sorry but I can't bring myself to cut out every food I like.  If I did that for the R.A. and the hypothyroidism, I'd be eating rice cakes 24/7. blech.  I did look into magnet therapy yesterday.  You can buy bracelets, anklets, and small magnets to tape onto various body parts.  Supposedly, it's suppose to balance things out and help.  not sure how but couldn't hurt to try.  I'm also going to try (once again) to take a multi-vitamin every day.  I'm on day 2.    I remembered to take it 2 whole days in a row!  lol  

 

Let's see what else.  Oh, I'm also pretty sick of rude and bad drivers.   if there's 5 feet between me and the car in front of me, that does not mean you can squeeze your big ass Explorer in there.  dipweed.  And,  here's a tip. if you are in the left hand lane and you need to turn right at the next light, don't cut off everybody and basically go across 3 lanes.   Everybody has to make sure the brakes are good on the cars for people like you.   

 

I think I've rambled on enough.  What irritates you?

Pain, Emotions and a Confession

I've had a crappy weekend. All weekend, I've been in pain, extreme fatigue and depressed all because of the Rheumatoid Arthritis. I've also come to realize that people either don't care or don't believe how bad it can get. I can't make them believe but I can list what hurts at the moment.

• both feet



• left ankle



• left knee



• both hands (and all fingers)



• right wrist



• right elbow

Sad to say, this isn't as terrible as I've felt before. Hell, just yesterday, it was all of the above and right knee and left wrist and a headache. Now, throw on top of that, fatigue. I'm not talking about "gee, I feel tired today". I'm talking about, you are so tired that you can't seem to do anything but watch tv. Other people would take a nap but I've never been one for naps. Only time I really napped every day was after I got home from the hospital 3 years ago. Also, add to it the sadness from depression and from living with this for as long as I have.

I know when people hear the word arthritis, they think of the more common form, osteo-arthritis and that's no bid deal. While I probably do have that too, I'm not talking about that. I will not tell people I have arthritis. I tell them I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I know I don't act sick when you see at me work or other places. That's because I have learned to mask my feelings and pain. Why mask them? Because I don't know how to deal with it. I also don't use a cane because that wouldn't let me mask my pain, would it?

Yup, that's my big confession. I don't know how to deal with the depression brought on by stress and this illness. I don't know how to deal with the pain that I feel every day. So I pretend. I may take some ibuprofen or tylenol or something, but that's about it. I pretend it doesn't exist. It must be helping, right? I mean, I've had Rheumatoid Arthritis for 14 years.

Lately, I've been trying to be more "vocal" about things. I'm not succeeding. You want a hint about how I'm feeling? Check my facebook page, I haven't put a status update in a few days. I haven't replied to as many people's posts as usual or said much on facebook. I closed myself off.

Something happened yesterday. Somebody said something to me that made me cry. I won't go into details but I cried a lot. I still get choked up thinking about it and my response to that person. Now I have always tried to find a bright side of every situation. I guess the bright side of this is that I found out how people feel about me. No more guessing about it. I know.

That thing that happened yesterday did make me realize something. A lot of people may not believe that I am truly in pain, sad, fatigued, etc because I have pretended that I'm not. It's my fault. People ask me how I'm doing. I say I'm okay. even when I'm not okay, it's what I say. So, it's all my fault.

Now, let me clarify something. I am depressed but I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I'm just sad. I am allowed to be sad. After all, I work full time with this facade of being okay. I am allowing myself to be sad. I am not pretending right now. That's why I'm typing this up. I'm putting this out there in case people do actually stop by and read here. I'm also typing this up for my own benefit. Self prescribed therapy, if you will.

Tomorrow, I will take a spare cane to work with me. Just so I have it in my cube. I think that will be a bit of therapy in itself. Small steps right? those are the only steps I can take right now.

Edited to add clarification: I have posted facebook status' but they do not say how I feel. I mean, I posted a quick poem on Thursday, where I was saturday morning, but when was the last time I put a feeling on facebook?

Two Books

Hi folks!  Sorry I haven't written in a while but I've been busy.  I went to Las Vegas last week and had a lot of fun but probably won't go again unless I find comfortable shoes (home 5 days and feet and legs haven't recovered) and/or rent a mobility scooter.  Just walking around one casino was enough.  It's either that, or give me strong pain pills so I won't care. lol  

 

Besides Vegas, I took a break from my "In My Dreams" vampire book and started another book. This one will be a ghost book and I'll incorporate some experiences I had into the book.  I have a basic outline down and already wrote 8 pages of the book.  Today, I sat down with that file open, ready to type in it some more when I thought I'd open the "In My Dreams" book (yes, Chelle, that's the title I'm sticking with for Grace's Story lol)  and read the last chapter I wrote. I found myself typing away and have a new chapter in that book.   So I guess it is official. I am writing two books at once.    Right now, I think I can do it.  The characters are different, the setting is different in each book and even the plots are different.  The only thing the two books have in common is that dreams play a part in the two books. and if you know me or have read a few of my dreams posted here, you might understand why. lol 

 

I have a feeling the "In My Dreams" Is close to being done. I don't have a particular ending in mind just yet or how many more chapters.  but I don't think I can draw it out much more without harming the storyline.      Once that book is done, I'm sure I'll reread it a few times (Chelle too lol) and tweak it to death.  But once that book is done, maybe, just maybe, I'll look further into publishing.  After all, that will be my second completed book. 

 

But who knows what can happen or when.  Right now, I'm just enjoying writing. 

 

Ta Ta for now, time to get back to actual work (and maybe squeeze out a few pages of my ghost book).   Thanks for reading and remember, feel free to comment. You don't have to have an account. Only requirement is the word verification to stop spam posts. lol

Writer's Blah

Howdy Folks.  I'm considering starting a third book.  Common Sense tells me not to do it and to concentrate on finishing my second book.  I know I should do that. I really should.  However, I think I'm kind of burned out on it.  I don't think I have much further to go in the book, may be 3 or 4 more chapters.  I just don't think I can do it right now. I'm not giving up on the book and I may very well nix the whole idea of a third book for now and continue the second one.  It's just I'm kind of blah about it. 

 

I'm also thinking that if I start a third book with a fresh new idea, just to take a break from the second book for a while, it may help renew my ideas or creativity and be able to continue the second one with renewed vigor.  I'm sure other writers have the same issue if you search the internet, most people tell you not to write 2 books at once because you'll get confused and start mingling the plots together.  I'm sure that will happen to me but I can't force myself to write and continue the book at the moment when it's kind of blah to me.  Don't get me wrong, I love my second book.   You just can't expect somebody to keep writing in the same thing all the time.   I know if I didn't have a full time job, the book would be long finished by now. 

 

On other writing, I am considering submitting some poems to contests or literary magazines just to see if I can get anything published.  So if you know of a magazine or anything that accepts poetry from newbies, let me know.  Otherwise, I will have to search online for magazines and come up with something. lol 

 

That's all for now. Thanks for reading my ramblings.  As always, you don't need an account to leave a comment,  you just need to do a word verification.  I had to do that so I wouldn't get spam comments.  

 

 

My Mind is a Blank Page

At night, when I'm in bed and trying to get to sleep, I have a million random things running through my head.  Who doesn't, right?  Yea well, my random thoughts are just that, random.   One minute, I'll think about my cat, the next second, I'll think about my book, and then think about a movie I want to see or book I want to read.  Hell, sometimes, I even think of new poems to write down.   Trust me, my thoughts get so random, it's scary! 

 

To hush these noisy thoughts and to stop my mind from racing, I imagine a blank page, the ruled kind like in notebooks. (for some reason, unlined paper just doesn't work for me) I concentrate on that blank page until my mind quiets down.  It's weird but it works for me about 80% of the time.  the other 20% percent, words start appearing on the blank page to form a poem until I have to get up and go write that crap down.  lol 

 

Last night, I started my little blank page bit, focusing on it and until I felt my mind calm down.   then a poem popped into my head. It's not the best but this what happens when my mind is left to wander on it's own.

 

My mind is a blank page,

Awaiting instruction

No longer trapped in a cage,

Free from obstruction

 

My mind is a blank page,

Ready to be used

Out there on the world's stage

Trying not to be confused.   

 

What tricks do you have to stop your mind, to quiet those thoughts that just won't go away?

My Protector Celebrity

Last night, I dreamed of a celebrity.  I'm not going to tell you which one, until the end.  You know, shock value and all.  lol 

The dream starts with me in the kitchen of a huge house, probably a mansion.  In the kitchen (black counter top, black cabinets, black appliances and it was night too) were some monitors where I could see what was happening in various areas in and out of the house.   I look at the bedroom monitor and spot the celebrity in bed, looking right at the camera, knowing I was watching.  He gives a sexy smirk and starts stripping.  Shirt goes off, the guy hooks a thumb in his pants waist and starts pulling down.  I basically run to the bedroom.  Lmao  

The scene changes and it's morning.  I walk out into the hallway and spot Pipsqueek running back and forth in the long hallway, he's just going nuts and having fun.  So I decide to join him.  The floor of the hallway was wood and polished so it was slick. I have fuzzy socks on.  You see where this is going?  Yup, I run ¾ of the way down the hallway after the cat and slide the remaining quarter way to the wall.  I run back down the other way and do the same thing.  It was a lot of fun.   My celebrity walks to the doorway and watches me.  He starts walking towards me and Pipsqueek runs past him and the guy said "Yo, Pip. Calm down, cat."   The celebrity and I hug. 

Scene changes again and I'm running for my life.  I'm terrified and running through trimmed grass and it's night.   So, all I really see is the grass and darkness around me.    I look back and whatever is there is getting closer. I don't know what it is but I have to run.  I suddenly run straight into my celebrity who hugs me tightly and tells me to calm down. 

Celebrity "What's wrong? Why are you running?"

Me through tears "It's after me!" 

Celebrity  gets all macho and steps in front of me, ready to fight but he doesn't see anything.  "There's nothing here.  See?" He says waving a hand around. "You know I'll protect you, right.  Nothing can hurt here." 

He pulls me to him, my head is on his chest, one of his hands is on the back of my head, he's just saying "shh, it's okay"  as I cry into his chest.     And then I woke up.

So, any guesses as to who my celebrity is?  Any at all?  

Okay, here are a couple of clues.    He's muscular.  He's been in many action movies and he's not governor. Lol  He's played a cop, an ex military fighter, an assassin and (I'm sure you'll know who it is after I say this)  a boxer!  

Yup, you guess it.  It was Sylvester Stallone.  Knowing that, go back and read the dream. Lol  I was kind of weirded out this morning and even said "what the Hell?!"  and you know when I say that about my dream, something is very odd. Lmao

How are you today?

Have you noticed that the question "how are you today" has turned into a nicety? It's a polite thing to ask and you always answer that you are fine, okay, all right, or some other generic "okay" response.

What would happen if people suddenly started responding honestly? It doesn't matter if you know the person or not, just imagine if you started replying with how you feel.

Person 1 "Hi, How are you today?"

Person 2 "I feel like shit, I'm depressed and I have diarhea."

Person 1 .........

Person 1 would not know how to respond to that. How much you want to bet that you'd get something like "uh huh, that's nice." LOL

I'm not saying you have to say everything that's wrong with you. If I did that, I'd be answering all day. lol I guess I'm just saying that the question is not just a nice thing to ask. If you ask the question, be prepared for the answer. You may be shocked that somebody doesn't give you the generic answer. If they do give the generic answer, it doesn't mean that they are really fine. They could be giving the short and "polite" answer.

Think about it. What effect on the world would it have if somebody gave an honest answer? What effect on that person's world could it have if you show that you not only heard them, but listened to them.

The world you change could be your own.

Case of the Energy Blahs

Hidey ho people! Today I'd like to talk about energy or lack there of. I have no energy and no will power. I know from past experience that exercising does not give you more energy for me. never has and probably never will. As far as I'm concerned, that is a myth. Caffiene does not get me wired. It barely helps to wake me up at all. I've tried energy drinks with vitamins and minerals that give you energy and they don't seem to work on me either. So, what's left for me? I try to take a multivitamin every day, although I have missed a few days. I get plenty of sleep. Yes, I am overweight but I've known a lot of overweight people that have so much energy, that it drives me nuts.

Yes, I have health issues that cause a lot of fatigue. Hypothyroidism (hashimoto's to be exact) does have lack of energy as a side effect. So tell me, what can I do to get some energy?

My apartment is a disaster because I haven't cleaned in a while. My fridge needs to be cleaned out badly and I have other things that need to get done around my place. None of it will be done. because I have no energy.

So tell me... besides the things that don't give me extra energy ( like exercise, caffiene, vitamins like B12, quality sleep etc) What can I do to give myself more energy?

Thoughts of Writing

Howdy gang! Are there any writers or editors or publishers reading this? Is anybody reading this other than a couple of close friends? lol I didn't think so. I have questions about book writing and since I don't know any writers, I'll just post them here and I'll figure out the answers somehow.

First off, I know when writing a book, it's never truly finished until it's actually published and on the book shelves. My question is, how do you know when you have reached the end of your book? There are so many books today that leave things open for a next book in case you are doing a series. Do you just go by gut feeling? I know by word count that I am not done with my book. I need to get over 70,000 words and don't want more than 90,000. Which brings me to my second set of questions.

For a first time writer that hasn't been published, what is a good word count? I have read that publishers do not want to go over 100k for a fiction book and below 40k is more like a novella instead of a novel. I have also read that some publishers want a minimum of 80k while others think that is that maximum. AND Does the word count include the chapter headings or title page and extra stuff? How in the hell is a new writer supposed to work with all the different variables? grrr

I am still considering the possibility of going with self publishing only because I don't want to deal with finding an agent. lol Yea, I'm that lazy but also if I go with self publishing, then things like word count doesn't matter at all. I try not to worry about the publishing aspect for now but it's always on my mind. I know there isn't any money in writing unless you're special like Stephen King or Dean Koontz or other great writers. I want to be published so I can go to the store, look at the book shelves and get that thrill of seeing MY book there along side of all the others. I want to see my name on a book cover.

Also there's the question of researching, more like a pet peeve. I see acknowledgements in books of fiction where the author thanks different people like "thank you to so and so for the hours of researching you did for my book". What kind of research is this? I always thought that works of fiction did not need research because it's fiction. It's fake with made up people, made up towns and places, made up species, etc. You can't research something that doesn't exist. Please don't tell me that some dork is going on a fact checking mission for a book about ghosts or vampires or other things. It just seems stupid to me.

Oh, another thing that bugs me. I have read (countless times) that to be a writer, you must set aside time every day and force yourself to write something in your book. I can't do that. You force me to do something and I will sit there and stare at the screen or go nuts or both. When I get the urge to write or I'm inspired, I just open up my Word file and start typing. I don't plan out every sentence or scene. I just let the words flow out of my fingers. Yes, I have written crap because of this but I have also written stuff that makes me say 'Wow!'. You can't force inspiration. It just has to happen. Also, there are people where setting aside time every day to write is not possible. I'm single with no kids so that helps but I do work full time and I have health issues that make me extremely fatigued some days. Forcing myself to write, even on days when I feel like crap, just isn't going to happen. Not only do I have to be inspired to write, I have to have the energy and my fingers have to be ready.

I think it's time I end this. I've rambled on a bit too much. lol If you are reading my blog, thank you! I appreciate it! And if you know a writer or publisher, feel free to share this with them. I am always open to advice but accepting it is another matter. HA! toodles

These ladies aint no angels

Had another weird dream last night. It woke me up at 10:20 and as I lay there, thinking about it, I decided to get up and email a part of the dream to a friend. it was just... odd. lol

Dream starts with a red head woman running trying to escape a building that was surrounded by water. She starts swimming and goes invisible. A shot rings out and the woman re-appears dead and floating in the water. Her 3 friends mourn her and try to figure out a new way to escape their prison.

Inside the building, there is wire netting type thing over all the windows (windows on doors too). The women are trapped in one room with no way out. The blonde just came back from another experimental session with the crazy doctors. Now she can turn invisible like her dead friend did. Her 2 roommate friends can also do extraordinary things and also turn invisible. The black haired woman can throw fireballs with her hands. The third brown haired woman has extraordinary aim which is deadly when combined with her awesome knife skills.

The 3 women decide that since they don't want to die, they will make sure they can escape alive. To do that, they have to kill every body in the building to make sure they aren't chased or followed. They all turn invisible and wait for a guard to open the door to check on them. Then they break the guard's neck and sneak out into the hallway.

The dream starts fast forwarding like somebody has their finger on the fast forward button. All I see is the 3 ladies killing everybody in various ways and fast. Go invisible, show up next to somebody, kill them, disappear again. Pop in, kill, pop out.. Kind of gruesome and I'll spare you those details. Of course, the fast forward stops when they get to one room where another "patient" is out of his room and has gone insane. He chases the women and they manage to trap him between 2 doors (think of a front door and screen door type thing but both are glass). By trapping him between the 2 doors, he is basically flattened and blood goes everywhere like you step on a ketchup packet. Lol

The women start swimming in the water and digging around to find keys to their car. After a lot of searching, they find the keys and just as they reach their car, another guard runs out and starts shooting at them. But the knife thrower has it covered. She throws a knife that lands in the barrel of the rifle. And then throws another knife that lands between the dude's eyes.

The three women drive off into the water in their old '50's style car. As you see the car drive off into the sunset (in the water lol) the dream camera goes back to a wall in the building they left. I'm thinking it's an indoor but empty pool. On a wall of that empty pool are words painted in red (let's pretend it's paint) and a song starts playing. The voice sounded like Jack Black and the tune started off just talking and then turned heavy metal-ish. I only remember the first 4 lines of the song and if I could write music notes or something, I'd show you the tune. But you'll just these words in Jack Black's voice. Lol Enjoy

Go out amongst the living and slay their cards

Go out amongst those with eyes wide shut

Go out amongst the living and slay them all

Go out amongst those with eyes wide shut